I'm still here!

Some of the letters and cards I get are filled with hope and expectation. Those lift me and carry me, a raft over choppy waters. Others are writing, honestly, that they are feeling despair and fear for me. Those I feel that I have to answer – the writers are living with more dread than I am, and they think they are feeling that dread for me.

I have such a vivid memory of an evening, eight years ago. I was in my first cancer battle. My family was enjoying a fun evening, eating ice cream and watching TV. At a commercial break, one of my daughters wandered into the office and announced, “We’ve got an email.” We all ran there, happy, expectant, to see the first sentence, “Dear Morgan-Dohners, We know that you are experiencing the “dark night of the soul...” That calmed us down, instantly, and we started to feel foolish – should we be suffering, instead of eating ice cream? Did we just not get it? Were we not being as spiritual as we should be?

You see, we had begun to fight fear almost as soon as we began to fight cancer. Posted on our door was a sign that said, “Park your fear. Enter with HOPE.” We had found that we did not have to go to a super spiritual place to meet with God – we found that He would meet with us, anywhere we invited Him. Where was the dark night? Not there, not then...

What an amazing and wondrous God we have! He doesn’t give up on us, doesn’t get disillusioned with us, knows us completely and loves us completely. He is not surprised, shocked or dismayed that I have cancer. He was not caught off-guard. His plan for me stands, and He stands with me. He is my constant companion, and my greatest friend.

And, He’s easy to find, too. Call out, and He is there. Can’t hear Him, can’t find Him? Get quiet and still, and listen. He can’t resist an invitation. He won’t ignore a plea. He is beyond any problem and above any circumstance. He wants to reveal Himself, and He wants us to know Him. “Show me that you are real” is a real show-stopper prayer.

Every day, we gave Him my body and my problems, and every day we gave Him our upset and our worries. Every day He gave us peace – what an exchange! So, that is what we are doing this time, too. This time, we are much further ahead on the learning curve. We knew what to do the first instant the word “cancer” was spoken – give it to the One who holds all answers.

Sing to Him and dance with joy – that’s the only reasonable response to any day. “I am here!” I want to shout. “I am still here! THANK YOU, GOD!” “Still here” means that there are things ahead. There is another day. There are more moments in which to learn, to hear, to thrive...to dance! YEA, GOD!

Asking for MORE

The scans show that I have a cancerous mass in my chest, under my sternum. I also have cancer in the sternum, and cancer that has invaded the lymph nodes of my neck, right side. A scan of my neck accidentally angled upwards and found a tumor in my brain. “By happenstance...” the medical person said. I don’t believe that – I believe that God wanted it revealed. We have often prayed that He would reveal hidden things, and He’s done it, over and over.

Looking at the scans and conferring, none of the doctors think it is cancer. That’s good news, and worthy of celebration, which we had. Seriously....that’s good news!

It is still a problem and must be considered. The neurosurgeon’s exam leads him to say that is not, yet, creating a problem with my quality of life and the risk of anything he would do messing with that is not worth it. He prefers that I have another brain scan in 6 weeks, for comparison, to show him at what rate it is growing.

That means I have 6 weeks to pray that tumor down, and out! That is REALLY good news!

6 weeks to spend, seeking God! 6 weeks to focus on prayer – hopeful, grateful prayer! Life should have more of these opportunities! I’m sorry that I didn’t stop for 6 weeks, without a brain tumor, to concentrate on connecting with the One who created me and knows all. It is such an experience – to know that my life is in His hands, entirely – and to talk to Him about it.

(My life has actually always been in His hands, entirely.....yours is, too. We lose track of that, sometime soon after birth...).

He is reassuring, and good, faithful and true. When He speaks, I have no fear. I have peace. His promises are true. Dennis and I have been preaching, for a long time, that our hope is not in staying alive forever – our hope is in eternity with Jesus. That remains true for me, regardless of circumstance. I find, however, that as happily as I look forward to eternity, I am not ready just yet! I have some more to do.

I am asking for MORE! More years, more work, more time, more life. I find that just the exercise of asking for it, joyfully, gets me in touch with the wonders of today! I don’t have to miss today, in busyness. Today has surprises and spontaneous outbursts – it has family and friends and strangers and God – equal parts mystery and fun.

Anything might happen! I might know how to deal with it, and I might not. Either way, I will be holding onto His hand – and that’s a really safe and good place to be.

As if I am going to live...

Lots of people don’t know what to say to me. That’s ok. I remember being at a loss for words, wondering what to say to someone who has cancer. It’s easier to know, from this side, from inside the body that is fighting.

Can I help you?

I chose my oncologist because of something she said in our first meeting. “I am going to treat you as if you are going to live. Everything I do will be based on the belief that you are going to live...until you tell me you’ve had enough – and then, we will call in your family and begin to celebrate your life.” That is a win-win proposition. There is no loss in there – no misstep.

That is how I would like people to respond to me – as if I am going to live. I believe that I am going to live, and therefore, real life is still interesting to me. What is going on in your life is still interesting to me .

In order to still be here, I have to fight cancer, and a brain tumor. Fighting is now my job – full time. My weapons are prayer, meditation, rest, medication, nutrition, family and friends and faith. That is my main focus. There are days when that is all I can handle, and I have nothing left with which to reach out. But, other days, I am here, feeling well and hoping to be a part of the world that I love.

My family and I live in hope. We learned to trust God, and to expect the unexpected, and we believe in healing miracles. We’ve seen lots and lots of them, all around us. Why wouldn’t we expect one, now? Following what we learned through my last cancer battle (which, honestly, we thought would be the last one....) we step forward, each day, following a battle plan that consists of an indivisible approach of praying through each medical step.

Our greatest enemy is fear, not cancer. Cancer is so limited. It can attack my body. Fear, however, can attack my mind, heart and spirit. It can twist my thinking in any direction it desires – it can block my hearing and pervert all news, good or bad – it can keep me from hearing God. It is what keeps people from knowing what to say to me.

This is not a nightmare. It is my life. The choice I have – every day – is whether I will appreciate and enjoy it. There are wonders that surround us. I choose to look for them, and thrill at them. I choose to enjoy each moment I have with my family and friends, and this amazing thing called “life.” What would be the point of being miserable about its brevity, if I am not appreciating it, now?

12-3-05

I’m trying to start this journal, and I don’t know how.

Starting something is the hardest part for me – don’t know why. I didn’t get to choose when I would start fighting cancer – it was started without my consent. Or, maybe, I walked through all the Drs offices, and scans, etc...and still chose when I would start fighting, instead of reacting....

So much information came at me --- medical opinions, nutritional imperatives, medication options, differences between scans (and in the end, I had them ALL), starving cancer of sugar, vs. creating an alkaline (not acidic) state, vs. a 25 hours clearing of a treatment for calcium receptivity (red meat and rice) --- did you notice they all conflict? Don’t forget the raw food diet....all fruits and veggies, but the fruits turn out to be high in sugar, and maybe not all alkaline.....

At some point, my prayers became focused --- got to kill the cancer. That one is unequivocal. No confusion. No contradictions. Nothing about cancer, or a brain tumor, is ok. I don’t have to weigh anything in the balance, or research anything. The cancer has to go. Good beginning. THAT’S when I started fighting.

This is not a nightmare – this is real life. Mine anyway.

A general swelling at the base of my neck coincided with me starting to exercise in a gym. Thought I’d pulled a muscle, and as it did go away, that seemed reasonable. But, it came back – a few times. Came and went.

Cancer is not a new thing, but I have to admit, I really did not think I’d be dealing with it again. Eight years past a mastectomy, chemo and radiation – then 5 years of Tamoxifen – I really thought I’d “done the deal”. My oncologist told me that the danger zone for recurrence was between 5 and 15 years beyond the first cancer, and I thought, “well, I’m half-way out of that zone...”

Now, she talks about “getting you back into remission....” and that has a good sound to it. She is managing the medical approach to this, and I am managing the spiritual approach to this – we are working together, for the same cause, and she values our part as we value hers.

So far, everything about her approach involves a new experience, and a new learning curve. For some around me, it is too conservative. For others, too aggressive. In the midst of the swirling opinions, I find a place to stand, holding onto God.

I will follow her approach as much as I can. I will monitor my nutritional choices, looking to starve the cancer and build my body. I will pursue alternative health treatments that aid in my cause, or building body and starving cancer. How they all come together, only God knows....but I trust HIM. I trust what He has said, and who He has sent me to.

The CAT scan showed a mass in my chest, under my sternum, cancer in the sternum, another mass within the lymph nodes at the base of my neck, right side, and the presence of a brain tumor. The parameters of the scan were “neck, chest, abdomen, pelvis,” but the camera caught a different angle and the computer interpreted what it saw...and there was a brain tumor. “By happenstance...” I was told. I think it was God.

The tumor is on the pineal gland, middle of my head, base of the brain – very difficult to get to. While the functions of the gland remain much of a mystery, it is known that it controls circadian cycles, like sleep and wakefulness (or hibernation). The shape and location of the tumor cause all the doctors involved to believe that it is not metastasized breast cancer. The first opinions offered to my oncologist, by phone, are that destroying it with a Gamma Knife (laser) would be better than trying to go in to biopsy it – zip, zap, get it done and over with. Sounds good, except that the actual neurosurgeon, the wielder of the Gamma Knife, says “No”. Nothing can happen without a biopsy – needle through the brain – nothing is without risk, and there is no reason to take this risk until we know more. Return for brain scan in 6 weeks so a comparison can be made. Nobody known how long this thing has been there, or what speed it grows at. More growth and it will become dangerous, creating pressure in the brain and interfering with certain functions – then, it has to be done, but right now, it does not.

This gives me 6 weeks to pray it down, and away. I’m not kidding. I really believe this. I have seen way too many miracles to doubt that it can happen.

In fact, we walk through this, my family and I, holding onto hope and faith and trust. We do trust the One who is in charge, ultimately. There have been tears of shock and surprise, huge all around. We know better than to isolate with our thoughts, or to hide them from each other. We are living – LIVING – with cancer just on the surface, still laughing because we think “brain tumor” is so over-the-top that no one would believe it. (In fact, Monica’s lecturer did not, and required a letter from the doctor to excuse her absence for having taken me to a surgery. Maybe, this close to the end of the term, everybody’s claiming their mom has a brain tumor...)

Monica’s mom does. And cancer, too. Everybody has more room in their mind for cancer – as long as it’s somebody else who has it.

New Beginnings

Melanie, you had the vision for this. I look forward to a strong ense of Hope through this Blog and look forward to reading the entries.