Bringing It Home...

(sometime in 2008...just found the notes..)


We are having an early morning conversation about death, dying, passing....

Dennis says, "All that we've learned, all that we've become, is not for a future event, is not for a conference, or for a book -- but FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS - that in the moment we face separation, we would have the foundation under us that we have.

I remember a word that my Dad gave me -- TRUST GOD!

Dennis continues, "If we were evaporated TODAY, we still had a wonderful life -- that doesn't change with a cancer diagnosis. 10 years ago, God said to me, "You're not even promised the next breath.."

Melanie: Life seems so sweet, so dear, and I don't want to let go...

Dennis: There won't be a tug for this life -- you're going to see Jesus and go shooting off, like a bullet from a gun.

Melanie: WHAT IF I only had 3 hours? What would we do?

Dennis: Get dressed and go see Jet!

Melanie: What is "doing it well?"

Dennis: To get through it -- to not stop shedding/giving over to God those things that disagree with Him -- sadness, fear, trepidation, loss, doubt....so we can keep our eye on the prize. The cloud of witnesses sees us and cheers us on, because they know that regardless of what we're going through, here, Heaven is worth it! They KNOW the prize!

This was all within the context of a "that's NOT cancer" report. The context has changed -- it IS cancer, and I am flooded with feelings that I didn't expect. The whole thing is a surprise to me, from the diagnosis to my reaction. Dave would say, "What is THAT about?" and I wonder, too.

And, do I yet have a diagnosis? I have a "most probably..." The new report on Wednesday could surprise me, even more. Am I going through an exercise, a test, that will evaporate on Wednesday? Maybe...

Dennis: We will tell them that you need to be back on the mission field by late February.

Autumn joins in : THIS is what defines human existence -- thinking about death. You either do it, or you don't, and that defines you.

Temperature Control

I AM AN ETERNAL SPIRIT --- wrapped in a pretty defective package, the effect of living in a fallen world.

To achieve "comfort," I need ice packs on 4 parts of my body, and a hot water bottle in a 5th place.
If that's not funny, I don't know what is. It makes me laugh & laugh! The endorphins are rising at the rate of a long-distance runner -- and I'm just propped up on the couch!

HERE'S THE REALITY --
This packaging -- my earthly body -- is SO temporary. The same us true of cancer -- a temporary condition in the Universe.

My spirit, which cannot be damaged, or evaporated, is ETERNAL.

PRAISE GOD!!

PS. everything that I learn, and every way that my heart is changed by this experience -- is MINE to KEEP. HaHaHaHaHaHa. The Lord and I will have the last laugh!

PEACE

April '09



It is BEYOND human understanding.

It is OUT THERE.

And, it is AVAILABLE.

CALL the PEACE OF GOD to you!!



HEALING --

It's SUCH a good thing!

BLINDED

March '09

Blinded By Our Own Fears

Our daughter, Autumn, frequently comes over with her son, Jet. They come through the door, both smiling. We are smiling, too, as they (along with husband/son in law, Jacob) are a huge delight for us.

Autumns puts Jet down, and takes his jacket off him. Usually, this is a prelude to a fun time of playing, all of us together. But, sometimes, Jet begins to look worried -- he thinks that perhaps he is being dropped off by Mommy. He looks at his Mom and begins to cry.

He cries BIG CROCODILE TEARS. He is INCONSOLABLE and DISTRESSED. BIG TIME.

NOTHING has happened, yet, but he is wailing as if his life is over. Jet doesn't seem to know that she is there.

His Mom is close by -- we are ALL promising that she is not leaving -- but, in his own head, life is crashing down around him.

He is crying and crying -- nothing has happened yet -- he is just AFRAID of something happening.

The only thing that helps is when she picks him up, and holds him on her hip -- what a safe and comforting hip that is! Nothing bad ever happens when he is on that hip!

How many of us do that to Daddy God? Our fear keeps us from trusting in what is going on. Our fear keeps us from knowing that He is there.

The answer is ALWAYS -- stop listening to fear. If it sounds like fear, feels like fear, tastes like fear -- it is a lie from the enemy. Fear keeps us from hearing the truth that is being spoken, and it keeps us from seeing that God IS WITH US.

HIS HIP IS AVAILABLE.

(Rationalizing fear -- determining that there is a good and practical reason to be afraid -- that is a lesson for another time...but, it remains a denial of the truth --and is always disagreement with God.)

Do I still fight against fear? OH, YEAH. Fear is always serving up another idea to me. My best defense, currently, is to share the scary idea with my husband, who will laugh and say, "NO! Send that away!" A lot of little pains become the basis for an impending death -- which is just not true. God has told me otherwise, and He tells the TRUTH.

The only thing that the enemy can speak are lies. Therefore, I know several ways that I will NOT die -- and the list is growing. Sometimes, all my teeth hurt, as a side-effect of a medication that I am taking. Before all this was confirmed for me (as a side-effect), I thought that I would have to have all of my teeth OUT. Amazingly, I found a way to be in peace on this -- and then learned what it really is. No need to have teeth removed.

I find ways to alleviate the pain, and I laugh at the lie.

HE IS STILL IN CHARGE. HE WILL BE WITH ME -- REGARDLESS OF THE JOURNEY, WHICH WILL CONTINUE ON IN HIM, LONG AFTER THIS TEMPORARY BODY IS GONE.

PRAISE GOD!

Do You Remember?

Jan 09

Do you remember? More importantly, do I??

"Are we preaching a meeting tonight?," I ask for the 3rd time today. I am aware that I've been told 2 times, but I just don't remember the answer...(I have the message to preach inside my head, already...)

"YES," Dennis says, "and then we are sleeping here, and moving on to another city tomorrow, to do 3 meetings in a row."

As he says it, I realize that I have heard it before. I am looking for our written calendar, so I can check it the next time I wonder, and will not have to ask Dennis. I am just praying that I wasn't the last one to have the calendar, and that I have not lost it.

WHOA....is this the slow descent into dementia/ OR, the enemy shooting more arrows?! That question hit hard, and produced tears.

OF COURSE I am still being shot at!

OF COURSE hopelessness is still looking for a way in!

I've got to stop listening to EVERYTHING that is not of God, or about God -- and HOLD FAST to what is true.


WHAT IS TRUE?

I have a Savior, who said, "In this world, you will have troubles, but take heart. I have overcome this world."

So, cancer exists, pain exists, evil exists -- and yet, He is bigger than all of it.

I have a life that is divided between health/cancer treatment, and ministry/traveling.
Not only is He IN both places, with me -- He is OVER both places.

PRAISE GOD!!

Truth and Lies

Aug. 08

I had been told that I was "without spot" on the scans, so I am stunned that I have new cancerous tumors --- AGAIN.

I was just there for "routine follow-up scans," so I expected the same good news. Some call it "denial". I call it hope. In the end, I will out-live cancer. It will not go with me into eternity. It is TEMPORARY.

Appealing to God -- actually crying out like road-kill, I hear Him say, "You have a ferocious enemy."

We are talking about the enemy, satan, who opposes God and therefore, HATES me.

I have realized a couple of things -- complete lies that I have lived in ---

Lie #1 - a belief that I can "get out of this." I'm a good citizen, a friendly and educated person, with high verbal skills. I'm a rule abider. All this adds together to mean that I can and will find a "way out" of this misunderstanding/this sentence/this punishment.

Lie #2 - I have seen what the enemy does, and I have felt protected from it. I don't live "in that kind of neighborhood" -- the one that is full of dangerous characters. I have lived in a "nice neighborhood," where God is the Playground Guard.

(I'm sorry, God. I have missed a major part of this plot -- must have gone to the Ladies Room at the wrong time...)

Dennis and I were recently in Italy, ministering. The city we were in was having a major heat wave that surprised even them -- it was over 100 degrees (F), and there was no relief. In every building, turning on the air conditioning caused all the power to go off. We were all stuck in it -- we were powerless against it -- we were all dripping sweat. There was no door out -- no exit. For all the days that we were there, this heat remained.

Cancer, it turns out, is like that. There is no door out. It's a roller-coaster that doesn't stop. It may slow down for a minute, but it picks up steam soon enough, and I'm hanging on for dear life.

I may have more treatment coming up, and I don't know what it will be like. As if seeing that the roller-coaster is about to climb steeper, and the cart will go through an upside-down loop, I am scared.

I'm thousands of miles away -- in Europe -- and I'm scared? WHAT is that??

I am hearing the whispering of the exact same enemy who invented cancer -- and all disease. Having infliced it upon me, he is now thratening me with sores -- salt in the wound -- he hasn't done enough damage. The enemy says that I have no choices, but I actually have many. I can take the treatment, not take the treatment, or ask for a different treatment.

On the spiritual side, I can block the enemy's words -- keeping God's promises in the forefront of my mind -- I find this easier some days, than others. I frequently need to be reminded of this option.

If I lived in "a nice neighborhood," with God as the playground guard, this cancer would be so unfair. But, I don't live there -- I live in a war zone! It is dangerous here, and I am being pursued by an enemy who wants to destroy me.

There have been some "close calls" that the lord has rescued me out of -- but he has left me here in the war zone (John 14). We are ALL in the war zone. If we understood that, maybe we'd be more united...more helpful. Maybe we'd realize the value of each other -- and the need we really have of each other.

The other choices that I have concern who I am going to be, as I fight cancer. I get to choose to trust God -- and to listen to Him, which does drown out the enemy's voice. In God, and with God, is PEACE, COMFORT, HOPE.

There is no door out, but there is a "door through". The "door through" teaches us things that we could learn no other way. it is a humbling place of weakness, memory loss and dependence.

Sheer and complete dependence -- it turns out -- is a place of rest. It is trying to maintain independence that is difficult.

"Dependence" is the truth -- that is why it has power. We are created beings -- we were never independent of our Creator. "Independence" is a lie -- it has never been true, and never will be true -- and that is why we never find peace there.

I WAIT

As of this morning, I have a caseworker who has --- three times, on three different dates -- told me that my acceptance letter "is in the mail to you." It means less, every time she says it.

In the meantime, had that been true, even ONCE, the Medicaid computer would show me as covered, and it does NOT. There is no moving forward without insurance coverage, so I am waiting.

As a matter of fact, I have worn the words "I WAIT" on the top of my hand for weeks now -- I re-draw it every day. Whenever we write to our friends in Russia, or Ukraine, to say we are coming, they write back, "We wait." That always makes me laugh, as if sounds to me as if their entire activity, for that time, is waiting. (AND, TRULY, life in Russia IS a lot about waiting...)

So, now I AM waiting. I am waiting for the Medicaid to be on -- REALLY.
I have had a clarifying session at the Dr's, to learn just "where and how much" about the cancer. The upper part of my sternum is involved, and there is a tumor very close to my heart, sitting right on the pericardium (a thin sack that surrounds the heart). "You REALLY need treatment," I am told... as if I can do anything about it.

I don't know if my caseworker is intentionally lying, or doesn't know, or forgot to do some step -- and I can't affect it, either. The entire system is designed to be impenetrable.

Here's my prayer need -- to actually, TRULY, have the Medicaid restored, and for treatment to begin. I need to start beating back that cancer, in the physical. I fight it, in the Spirit, all the time. I have a skilled and creative Oncologist, with a plan to shoot radiation at angles, to target the cancer and protect my heart. At this point, she has to work around the areas of my chest that have already had radiation. Both my oncologists are believers, and I appreciate that.

My neurosurgeon is a believer, too. Also, I have had several scans, most done by the same technician, and, at the last test, I asked the him "Are you a believer?" He straightened up from what he was doing, and asked, "Do you mean in the Lord, Jesus Christ?? I sure am!"

I am blessed by God.

I also know that I am covered by Him. I am in the midst of His Plan for me. I do not know what the Plan involves, but I know where it has taken me, this far. (I KNOW that it is a much better plan, than my own original plan, so I THANK HIM for rescuing me out of that one.)

I know that this Plan continues, into an Eternity with Him. In the time between now and then, it is important -- no, essential -- that I remember the goodness of God, the faithfulness of God, and that I have ready responses to the voices of fear and hopelessness that speak so often, to me.

In the natural, my situation looks pretty bad. But, we know that what we see, in the natural, is just a very small piece of what is really going on! So, I look beyond that -- to the promises I have, that have not yet appeared. I watch the horizon, and I wait on my Dad to cover me, protect me, and move on my behalf. In THAT place, I find peace --- and in the peace, I WAIT.

With much love,
Melanie

In HIS hands!

All the world knows that we have had an election, and are looking at, and for, change. It is a larger reflection of the change that I am looking for , personally – but, it is with the same hope.

This nation is part of our inheritance -- we inherited it, many of us were born to it -- and now we have to decide HOW we will care for it. What IS our responsibility? To pray for it, cover it in prayer, and tend it daily, that it does not rot or decay!

Whenever we moved house, we always wanted to know that we left a house better, nicer, than it had been when we moved in. That house should not show years of dissolving disregard, and disarray, if we had been living there. We certainly have that kind of responsibility with our nation. My mother is already repenting and crying about WHAT we are leaving to our children and grand-children.

I have a different paradigm : Perhaps they will find themselves needing to press into God, needing to fight the fight that seems to land upon every generation --- and learn to be perfected by complete dependence on God. SO many generations have had to do that --- we can't think that God intends us to find the perfect system, and create our own earthly paradise....These are some of the things that I have to think about, as I CONTINUE to fight cancer.

I have to admit that some days, I DON’T fight cancer -- some days, I just have "life" and disregard the attack against me. I read Devin Mitchell's weekly Shabbat letter, in which he talks frankly about guarding Israel, as part of the the Israeli army --- those letters have taught me that there is no "time out" when under attack -- or even when threatened with attack.

Now, what can I do? LIVE connected to God --- my only sure defense. There is no "wall of health" that I can build, to protect me from the cancer that is ALREADY within my walls. I can have some days off --- but not as many as I have "on." The cancer never slows down, or takes time off.

My newest shift : Remembering that "fighting", when led by the Lord, is not physically grueling. It is gentle and soft and steady and can be done from a flopped-in-bed position. To fight this attack against me, I need only to keep my hand in HIS hand -- whispering to Him, thanking Him, listening to Him. The defensive part is to NOT listen to what fear says, to what despair says -- it is to "JUST SAY NO."

The cancer won't go away. My wishes are completely futile, in this. There is no exit door. I have gone every place I thought I would find healing. I have had thousands praying for me. I have spent my own time in prayer. I land, over and over again, on complete dependence in GOD. I land, over and over again, on trusting Him, in all things -- even unto death.

Dennis and I have learned that it is IMPORTANT for us to learn how to take bad news well -- how to live through the shock and move into the wonder and expectation. GOD WILL NOT ABANDON US --- and that means, it will be a RIDE to watch Him rescue us!! WHAT will He do? WHEN, and HOW? I am already watching, eyes on the horizon, for His lead!!

We will -- no doubt -- have to learn some things the hard way. GOD WILL STILL LOVE US, AND LEAD US. We will -- no doubt -- have disappointments. GOD WILL STILL BE IN CHARGE. We will -- no doubt -- have some BIG fights ahead, and consequences to live through. GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL AND STEADFAST.

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie

TROUBLES

In August, I received a letter from my insurance, saying that I must be available for a "phone interview" on a date in September. This would be to "review my status." I phoned my representative, and told her that my oncologist had given me the month of Setember "off treatment" so that I could return to the mission field. I asked "Can we do the interview now?"

The representative said, "No, but don't worry --we can do it in October....no problem."

When we arrived home, in October, I had a letter saying that she had cancelled me out of the system, for "failure to have phone interview." I would have to re-apply for insurance, and wait.

Interesting.....I had been writing the words "I wait" on my hand, everyday, for weeks. I felt it was what I was having to learn. I have a lot of "not yet on the horizon, promises from God," including a promise for healing. When we write to pastors in Ukraine, or Russia, they simply write back, "We wait." It has always made me laugh -- as it sounds to me as if that is now their primary activity! Well, it is now MY primary activity. I wait on the Lord! I wait on Him to move my insurance along. I wait on Him for treatment, and for the strength and grace to get through treatment! I wait on Him, that I may feel better. I wait!

I am not able to go on our next scheduled mission trip -- I will be here, in Indiana, getting treatment, and Dennis will travel alone. (He will go from one set of dear friends to the next -- he will not really ever be alone -- but I will miss him!). I will pray for him everyday, pray for the ministry of every day, and I will wait!

What a blessing that this little trip is 3 weeks long, and not one of our more standard 4-5 month trips! PRAISE GOD!!

I have learned to rest when I need to -- even if it is several times a day. I am learning -- still -- to hang on to God while the winds of trouble swirl around me (I thought I had learned that before, but have you noticed that each succeeding wind seems to blow harder??) "Living things grow...", we learned a long time ago, and growing involves CHALLENGE.

Dennis tells me that "every test is a chance to excel!" and I want to do just that! WHY NOT? What is the option?

Another God-appointed trip to Blandford!

In 2007, we were invited to teach at The Gathering Place, in Blandford Forum, England. The invitation was for October, and I went through a LOT of cancer treatment with the internal promise that "I will be in Blandford, in October...." We did get there, preach, and see lives changed. Hallelujah! Our favorite activity, with some of our favorite friends!

When we returned from that trip, it was to more reports and more treatment. In August of 2008, I had another Gamma Knife brain surgery, and this time I was holding onto "I will be in Blandford in September!"

Following a (surprisingly grueling) session with the Gamma Knife, we did make it back to England, for a very busy 30 days. This trip included several places, and churches, that were new to us, especially in the far southwest.

The part that was not new -- was the goodness and mercy of the Lord! His presence, at each teaching, at each meeting, was rich! With every hour that we were there, another person came for prayer and left knowing Him a little bit better, a little fuller --- or, a LOT better, and a LOT fuller.

He really IS the God of Love. He really DOES know what is going on inside of each of us, and He really WILL bring to us, each, the truth we need to heal our hearts/minds. Once we are finished with a ministry time with a person, we seldom remember what it was all about. But, we DO remember the huge, expressive THANKS of each person who has just heard the Lord, heard the missing puzzle piece of his/her life, and is dancing out, different forever!

We don't ever doubt the value of what we do with the Lord. We always ask Him for more!
He LOVES freedom!

A long time ago, our pastor said to us, "God will do all the work....but you will get the hugs!" Hasn't THAT been true! People are always very excited when we get to their church, but we know it is because HE has come, with us. Our prayers are always that we would reflect Him well, and lead people deeper in to His heart. Because of that heart desire, He is constantly challenging us on our own beliefs, and attitudes, keeping us sharpened and cleansed. This is the kind of experience none of us wants -- to be straightened out, AGAIN -- but the pay-off for going through it is AMAZING. AND, we couldn't do the work that we do, if we were not continually sharpened.

So, "sharpen me, Lord..." it is! Dennis teaches us all to pray, "God, show me where you and I disagree..." God will answer that prayer. He will highlight for us the attitudes/beliefs,vows that are not worthy of Him. It's perhaps essential to understand that He will never agree with us, in our low self-esteem, in our fear, in our doubts about Him, or about our lives. He made us to carry His purposes -- He has placed HIGH value on us -- He has done all the work to redeem our sinful natures -- He has paid the price!

Just before we got to Blandford, we hosted a Weekend Retreat in the Coltswolds area. People who have been working with the More Light inner healing model were invited, along with any who were interested in learning it. The retreat center told us that they "never" allow single individuals to book into their facilities, however, this weekend they had! (It seemed like a surprise to them, too..)

A lone woman wandered into our first session, and we said, "Come in, come in..." She had no idea what we would be talking about, but within 10 minutes of hearing some MoreLight stories, she began to cry. As we were sitting in a large, extended circle, we could all see this. Dennis took the opportunity to ask her about her tears, and to lead her into hearing from the Lord, and getting His perspective -- HIS truth. The most amazing first-hand lesson, for the group!

This woman may not have known why she had booked into this conference center, and the center may not have known why they let her --- and we certainly didn't know God's plans -- but HE DID!! Over the weekend, we all watched her change -- her demeanor, her questions, her comments, and her confidence in her God. Along the way, MANY others at the weekend reached into their hearts for their deepest pain and deepest problems --- to find HE was there, with all the help needed.

On this trip, we drove more little, winding, bumpy, blind-curved roads than ever before! Dennis really dreads the blind-curve roads, with signs posted, saying, "On-coming traffic may be in center of road". It's always good to have a native Brit drive through those one-lane/2 way traffic roads that are bordered, on each side, with a 6 foot high shrub-line!

I'd like to say that I got through this trip well --- I'd LIKE to say that -- but it would be a complete fabrication. I was extremely fatigued for most of it, and stayed in bed a few times, sending Dennis to do the preaching without me. This is not a problem for either of us -- it was merely a disappointment for me. A disappointment that I was going to have to get over -- one more thing to hand over to God.

I discovered a specific lie within my thinking -- which was, "when I am on treatment, I am fighting cancer. The rest of the time, I should be well. I should have energy. I should be able to do what I used to do." (You can laugh, here....I know God did...).

As long as I held onto that lie, I couldn't hear the truth that I needed. Then, one day, as I pondered it anew (always blaming myself -- "should be walking more," "should be getting stronger..."), I heard God say, "Have you considered that your body is fighting hard, anyway, even if you are not..?"

OH! WOW! A new idea, which I had not considered...being busy assigning blame.

This was a blessing for Dennis, who each day would patiently deflect my moaning disappointment in my weakness! What a good break for him!?! (This man, my Univeral Champion Husband, who gets me through....every day and every night. The husband who wakes me up with a cup of tea, and the announcement, "We are BOTH alive today! God has something GOOD for today!")

GOD IS GOOD!! HE IS WORTHY OF PRAISE -- OF ALL OUR PRAISE!!

HE GIVES US LIFE HER ON EARTH -- A TRAINING COURSE, A DRESS-REHEARSAL, A CHANCE TO CHOOSE HIM AND LEARN TO EMBRACE HIM -- AND THEN.....MY GOODNESS....THEN, AN ETERNITY WITH HIM --- IN A PLACE THAT CANCER CANNOT FOLLOW!!!

CELEBRATE WITH ME, THIS LIVING GOD!!!

THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

It is the day of the Gamma Knife Procedure/Neurosurgery. We are up at 4am, to get there in time to check in. Both Autumn and Monica are ready for the 5am lift-off – and I am so blessed that they want to accompany me, and be there. We all know that from the initial check-in, they will be isolated from me, in a waiting room – most likely until 5pm. But, they choose to be there, praying together, and being together with Dennis.

Having had the Gamma Knife Procedure two years ago, and having memories of an easy day, I am set – I do need the grit for it, and I know the Lord has given me that. I feel very straight-backed, as I check in. What I don’t know yet, but will, is that this is an entirely different day than expected.

The first IV needle, in the “one good vein” that has been used for everything medical in the past 11 years, brings blood spurting out of my arm. Blood is pooling in the crook of my arm, and spilling on the floor. Ironically, by the time this is cleaned up, the skin prick has already clotted! But, that spot can’t be used, so the needle is inserted in the back of my hand

I know that the IV sedation will come before the frame is screwed onto my head – I have only the slightest memory of the beginning of the frame attachment from 2 years ago – so I know I will experientially “slide away”, from this point until the finish of the entire day.

To my surprise, this medication has almost no effect on me. I am very alert and awake as the needles go in, and they burn and hurt. I am also very alert as the framework is screwed onto my head – I had no idea it would be so grueling! This is not an easy experience.

Many times during the day, I say very clearly, “I am much more alert than I want to be!” The nurse checks my chart and finds that they have administered the exact some dose of the exact same medication that they used before – apparently, that they always use. It is not helping me. “Your body has become immune to it….I don’t know why…” is mentioned by the nurse, but the doctors actually never address this. I love and respect them, anyway.

They had enjoyed my story of my having to jump through some new administrative hoops, for my insurance. I now need a “family practice doctor” to be a “gate-keeper” for me – to keep me from going to specialists unnecessarily. This turned out to be very difficult – the closest family practice “gatekeeper” willing to take a new patient is 55 miles and an hour drive from our home. Right in the midst of preparing for brain surgery, the insurance company insisted on this, and the clinic 55 miles from us had mercy, and agreed to see me.

(The doctor at this clinic was out for the week, but a very nice, very professional Nurse Practitioner saw me. In 20 minutes, she listened to the story, reviewed 25 pages of notes faxed to her from my oncologist, and promised to “OK” the gamma knife procedure. I told her, “My entire neurology team is waiting for your approval!” and she laughed and said, “Wow! I’ve gone from strep throat to brain surgery in one day!” I appreciated that she recognized the irony of the day. I also appreciated her willingness to step in and save the day.)

The actual procedure is not painful – it is high on the weird-o-meter, though. The frame feels heavy on my head, and my neck is never really supported as I lie on the GK table – there is a strain in my neck because of this. The good news is that they are equipped with “new material” – and the procedure will take a much shorter time. (We all have memories of hours of being there, waiting there, gamma material streaming into my head, previously.)

In the middle of the procedure, there is going to be a re-adjustment, to aim at the second tumor. I am allowed a break for the ladies’ room. When I come back in, supported by my nurse, one of the doctors refers to the table as “the couch.” What? I ask, “You call that ‘the couch’?”

They all nod and say, “Yes.” I get to say to them, “I am REALLY more alert than you guys!” and we all laugh. Laughing is good. As uncomfortable as I am, I know how grateful I am that this is going to work – that I have not needed “whole brain radiation” again, and that this is available to me. These machines are few and far between. And, I have huge trust in both my doctor and in God’s presence with us. (I have checked --- the new doctor there is a believer, too. The nurse is wearing a card attached to her ID card, which hangs around her neck. This card has a prayer printed on it. I am in good hands!)

MUCH earlier than we had expected, the procedure is over. The head-frame will be removed – the spots where the needles went in, and the screws were, are tended to, and Dennis is allowed to come in and help me dress. THE WONDER OF OUT-PATIENT BRAIN SURGERY HITS US AGAIN – WE ARE SO GRATEFUL THAT I GET TO GO HOME ON THE SAME DAY!

In the wind-up towards leaving, I talk to my Neurologist (best in the world) about insomnia. I have already tried a prescription drug, that hasn’t helped me. He will write a prescription for a stronger one, and says, laughing, “Perhaps I should go through your Nurse Practitioner, though…” We all laugh. I find that bureaucracy brings about a lot of laughter – it is just always important not to be laughing in front of the bureaucratic rule-imposer (!). (Do I have to repent for that? I recognize that insurance companies all have to fight both fraud and unnecessary expenses….but…)

After all of this, here is what is important ---I am home. I am alive. Those tumors have been hit hard, and will not survive! I will be able to be with Autumn, on her birthday, tomorrow! I am grateful to God for so MANY things.

I look forward to what He and Dennis and I have ahead of us, and THANK HIM, again and continuously!

GOOD IS GOOD!! LIFE IS GOOD!!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

PS. The insurance company would not approve my neurologist’s choice of sleeping pill, so the pharmacy cannot fill it until they have “more information,” and that is why – at 2:30am, I am able to write this. AIN’T LIFE GRAND!!?

THE DAY BEFORE...

This is the "day before." The Gamma Knife procedure is tomorrow. The waiting will be over. I will know if the tumors were still there -- if so, the Gamma Knife procedure will progress, and it all ends with me being home to celebrate Autumn's birthday on the 8th. PRAISE GOD!

I woke up feeling much steadier than I have been feeling**, and told Dennis, "I know that God will give me the 'grit' to face this thing tomorrow...He always does." HALLELUJAH -- that IS the truth -- He ALWAYS does give me what I need, when I need it! Just thinking it through lifts me -- one thought leads to the next, and I am celebrating being in the hands of such a loving God...

An hour later, I find a tiny note that I wrote (who knows when??), and it becomes the most important little note I've ever written. It says, "DWELL IN POSSIBILITY."

Of course! HOW on earth could I have lost that place of HOPE that is so strong in me? Even I am surprised by this!

The Lord tells me two things: first, I have a ferocious enemy who hates me. (How awful would it be if my life didn't attract the enemy's attention? How awful would it be if he discounted me as a danger?) The second thing, He says, is that this is no worse than the opening of Terminal Five at Heathrow Airport. (The Brits will understand this...nobody else has to....) The opening seemed horrendous, but, it actually was "just a set-back. It is functioning well, now."

And, so am I! I AM DWELLING IN POSSIBILITY. I have my sermon ready for the medical staff, should they have to tell me that they can't find the tumors anymore.....and I have my lunch ready, should the procedure go on. Who knows what God has planned for tomorrow? I sure don't. But, I know that ANYTHING is possible, in Him!

**(Speaking of feelings...Dennis and I have a pattern for dealing with "not feeling well..." We look at whether what I am feeling is physical, emotional or spiritual. It will be one of those three things. If it is emotional or spiritual, we can change that -- we DO have authority over what we listen to in our heads, and even if I am snowed under by it, Dennis will not be, and can lead me back to truth. Even though I know this, I have been struggling...).

TODAY, however, I am not snowed under -- I am on top of the snow drift! I am dwelling in possibility, covered and protected by a BIG GOD! And I have all the grit I need to be at the Gamma Knife, tomorrow.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

I see that it has been over a year since I posted a blog…..imagine the reasons, so that I don’t have to write them…please. I will say that we returned to the mission field and saw God do BIG and WONDROUS things. We also greeted our new grandson, Jet, in October --- anyone who has a grandchild living nearby will KNOW that time just evaporates. He is GRAND! (No wonder they are called that…) Jet becomes more “himself” everyday, and we thrill to each and every learned thing! His parents, Autumn and Jacob, remain in the center of our hearts as we watch them care for him with so much love and JOY! We are lost in wonder and joy, with them!

On our last trip, we were able to minister in England, Sheltand Islands, Norway and Italy. A little more than ten weeks long, it included 2 weddings of people we love -- one wedding in England and the other in Norway. Very splashy events! We were touched by how good God has been, to blend us into other’s families!

We returned with appointments for “routine scans” – ready to see that all was well. Oops. The first, the MRI of my brain, showed two new tumors...this time, in the grey matter. The shock we felt was surrounded with “good news,” and it was hard to absorb both the shock and the “good news” at once…but here it is, and it IS good. First, they are too small to have created any changes or problems in me - in how I think, or speak, or move. PRAISE GOD! Second, they are able to be hit by Gamma Knife – and that IS good news. (Dennis said to me, later, “Honey, it could be worse….they could be inoperable…” I said, “Honey, they could be worse … they could be operable!”)

I have seen plenty of my fellow “brain cancer survivors” with really horrendous scars around their heads and faces….the Gamma Knife does not need my skull messed with, and I am very grateful. I DO remember the procedure in 2006 – I had hoped not to need it again, but the fact remains that I do.

Less than a week later, I had my “routine” (I put that word in quotation marks to say how very naïve we were, strolling in, with not a thought in the world of bad news…) scan of neck and chest, and learned that there are three new tumors in my chest, sitting right atop the sternum. Dr. DiMartino says, “Spend no energy wondering WHY – it IS there – spend your energy dealing with it.”

This sounds good to me, as we’ve gone through “WHY?” with God enough times to know that answer is not discernable with finite minds. “Asking me ‘why?’” He says, “is the same as asking me ‘Is a rectangle yellow, or red?”…or, “How many miles are in a month?”

All will be known in Heaven, where we get to use the other 90% of our brains – and doesn’t that sound good?? Honestly, the more I think about Heaven, the more I wonder why I’m fighting this so hard. And, the answer always is – because I love being here – I love my family and want to know and be known by my grandchildren – there is more for me to do here.

SO…the date for the Gamma Knife is set. After that, I will have 10 days to rest/recover and then we will be with Dr. Di Martino, reviewing options for dealing with the tumors in my chest.

The fight continues.

In HIS hands!

All the world knows that we have had an election, and are looking at, and for, change. It is a larger reflection of the change that I am looking for , personally – but, it is with the same hope.

This nation is part of our inheritance -- we inherited it, many of us were born to it -- and now we have to decide HOW we will care for it. What IS our responsibility? To pray for it, cover it in prayer, and tend it daily, that it does not rot or decay!

Whenever we moved house, we always wanted to know that we left a house better, nicer, than it had been when we moved in. That house should not show years of dissolving disregard, and disarray, if we had been living there. We certainly have that kind of responsibility with our nation. My mother is already repenting and crying about WHAT we are leaving to our children and grand-children.

I have a different paradigm : Perhaps they will find themselves needing to press into God, needing to fight the fight that seems to land upon every generation --- and learn to be perfected by complete dependence on God. SO many generations have had to do that --- we can't think that God intends us to find the perfect system, and create our own earthly paradise....These are some of the things that I have to think about, as I CONTINUE to fight cancer.

I have to admit that some days, I DON’T fight cancer -- some days, I just have "life" and disregard the attack against me. I read Devin Mitchell's weekly Shabbat letter, in which he talks frankly about guarding Israel, as part of the the Israeli army --- those letters have taught me that there is no "time out" when under attack -- or even when threatened with attack.

Now, what can I do? LIVE connected to God --- my only sure defense. There is no "wall of health" that I can build, to protect me from the cancer that is ALREADY within my walls. I can have some days off --- but not as many as I have "on." The cancer never slows down, or takes time off.

My newest shift : Remembering that "fighting", when led by the Lord, is not physically grueling. It is gentle and soft and steady and can be done from a flopped-in-bed position. To fight this attack against me, I need only to keep my hand in HIS hand -- whispering to Him, thanking Him, listening to Him. The defensive part is to NOT listen to what fear says, to what despair says -- it is to "JUST SAY NO."

The cancer won't go away. My wishes are completely futile, in this. There is no exit door. I have gone every place I thought I would find healing. I have had thousands praying for me. I have spent my own time in prayer. I land, over and over again, on complete dependence in GOD. I land, over and over again, on trusting Him, in all things -- even unto death.

Dennis and I have learned that it is IMPORTANT for us to learn how to take bad news well -- how to live through the shock and move into the wonder and expectation. GOD WILL NOT ABANDON US --- and that means, it will be a RIDE to watch Him rescue us!! WHAT will He do? WHEN, and HOW? I am already watching, eyes on the horizon, for His lead!!

We will -- no doubt -- have to learn some things the hard way. GOD WILL STILL LOVE US, AND LEAD US. We will -- no doubt -- have disappointments. GOD WILL STILL BE IN CHARGE. We will -- no doubt -- have some BIG fights ahead, and consequences to live through. GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL AND STEADFAST.

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie

All the world knows that our nation has had an election, and is looking at, and for, change.

It is a larger reflection of the change that I am looking for , personally – but, it is with the same hope.

This nation is part of our inheritance -- we inherited it, many of us were born to it -- and now we have to decide HOW we will care for it. What IS our responsibility? To pray for it, cover it in prayer, and tend it daily, that it does not rot or decay!

Whenever we moved house, we always wanted to know that we left a house better, nicer, than it had been when we moved in. That house should not show years of dissolving disregard, and disarray, if we had been living there. We certainly have that kind of responsibility with our nation. My mother is already repenting and crying about WHAT we are leaving to our children and grand-children.

I have a different paradigm : Perhaps they will find themselves needing to press into God, needing to fight the fight that seems to land upon every generation --- and learn to be perfected by complete dependence on God. SO many generations have had to do that --- we can't think that God intends us to find the perfect system, and create our own earthly paradise....These are some of the things that I have to think about, as I continue to fight cancer.

I have to admit that some days, I DON’T fight cancer -- some days, I just have "life" and disregard the attack against me. I read Devin Mitchell's weekly Shabbat letter, in which he talks frankly about guarding Israel, as part of the the Israeli army --- those letters have taught me that there is no "time out" when under attack -- or even when threatened with attack.

Now, what can I do? LIVE connected to God --- my only sure defense. There is no "wall of health" that I can build, to protect me from the cancer that is already within my walls. I can have some days off --- but not as many as I have "on." The cancer never slows down, or takes time off.

My newest shift : Remembering that "fighting", when led by the Lord, is not physically grueling! It is gentle and soft and steady and can be done from a flopped-in-bed position. To fight this attack against me, I need only to keep my hand in HIS hand -- whispering to Him, thanking Him, listening to Him. The defense part is to NOT listen to what fear says, or to what despair says -- it is to "JUST SAY NO."

The cancer won't go away. My wishes are completely futile, in this. There is no exit door. I have gone every place I thought I would find healing. I have had thousands praying for me. I have spent my own time in prayer. I land, over and over again, on complete dependence in GOD. I land, again, on trusting Him, in all things -- even unto death.

Dennis and I have learned that it is IMPORTANT for us to learn how to take bad news well -- how to live through the shock and move into the wonder and expectation. GOD WILL NOT ABANDON US --- and that means, it will be a RIDE to watch Him rescue us!! WHAT will He do? WHEN, and HOW? I am already watching, eyes on the horizon, for His lead!!

We will -- no doubt -- have to learn some things the hard way. GOD WILL STILL LOVE US, AND LEAD US. We will -- no doubt -- have disappointments. GOD WILL STILL BE IN CHARGE. We will -- no doubt -- have some BIG fights ahead, and consequences to live through. GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL AND STEADFAST.

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie

WAITING FOR THE GAMMA KNIFE

Today and tomorrow are weird days -- as I'm just "waiting" for the Gamma Knife Day -- the significance being that they will do an MRI of my brain before the gamma Knife -- and THAT is when we'll see IF the tumors are still there.....!

I've had some pretty significant prayer/ministry since they were first seen -- and Marc Dupont challenged me to "refuse the tumors" -- saying, "We all know you were healed in January -- this is only the devil, Melanie..." I say, "Well, I know that, because ALL cancer comes from the devil...."
This is way past that – I am challenged to treat this as I did the "fake allergies" that came after I was healed of allergies -- took 9 months of telling it to "GO" -- but, I really WAS free. (This happened during the time when Autumn was so sharp in the spirit -- she told me, one day, "OHH! Now it makes sense to me. It's not really allergy -- it's just a spirit of infirmity imitating allergies!")

Can that spirit "fake" tumors on a scan? I don't know. I'll be the first to say -- I DON'T KNOW. But, I DO know that those "fake allergies" sure looked and felt real -- and if I'd gone to a Dr for it, that Dr. would definitely have diagnosed "allergies."

Right after Marc landed that one on me, I opened my Bible to the woman with the issue of blood -- she reached out -- and what Jesus said to her was ,"YOUR FAITH has healed you..." SO, I am determined to be IN THAT FAITH --- I always believed that when I told the allergies to go, they would -- and it was born out over and over, over 270+ days.....I am told that people near and dear to me believe that when the MRI is examined, they will say that the tumors are gone. I am declaring it, internally and out loud --- I can get there, as I continually send discouragement and hopelessness away -- as much as I have to fight them -- and as "reasonable" as they seem -- they are NOT from God! THAT is where I have to STAND.

The Lord has -- many times -- answered my questions with "We'll see..." I guess that's where I might be ---- we'll see. I DO know -- 5 days of fighting this fight -- that HE is the only thing that is really TRUE. Jesus IS the TRUTH. Nobody else can give me truth. Nobody else has absolute truth. Jesus IS the TRUTH --- and what MY own experience tells me is that I can trust Him -- He WILL be there -- He IS with me -- He IS in charge.

God's promises ARE true, because He can't function outside of TRUTH. He has no other agenda, and no other vocabulary, than truth.

Tomorrow is my LAST "waiting day" -- I'm nowhere near as calm as I'd like to be -- I'll trust Him to bring me into that, on Thursday. I guess that I don't really need it, tonight...