12-3-05

I’m trying to start this journal, and I don’t know how.

Starting something is the hardest part for me – don’t know why. I didn’t get to choose when I would start fighting cancer – it was started without my consent. Or, maybe, I walked through all the Drs offices, and scans, etc...and still chose when I would start fighting, instead of reacting....

So much information came at me --- medical opinions, nutritional imperatives, medication options, differences between scans (and in the end, I had them ALL), starving cancer of sugar, vs. creating an alkaline (not acidic) state, vs. a 25 hours clearing of a treatment for calcium receptivity (red meat and rice) --- did you notice they all conflict? Don’t forget the raw food diet....all fruits and veggies, but the fruits turn out to be high in sugar, and maybe not all alkaline.....

At some point, my prayers became focused --- got to kill the cancer. That one is unequivocal. No confusion. No contradictions. Nothing about cancer, or a brain tumor, is ok. I don’t have to weigh anything in the balance, or research anything. The cancer has to go. Good beginning. THAT’S when I started fighting.

This is not a nightmare – this is real life. Mine anyway.

A general swelling at the base of my neck coincided with me starting to exercise in a gym. Thought I’d pulled a muscle, and as it did go away, that seemed reasonable. But, it came back – a few times. Came and went.

Cancer is not a new thing, but I have to admit, I really did not think I’d be dealing with it again. Eight years past a mastectomy, chemo and radiation – then 5 years of Tamoxifen – I really thought I’d “done the deal”. My oncologist told me that the danger zone for recurrence was between 5 and 15 years beyond the first cancer, and I thought, “well, I’m half-way out of that zone...”

Now, she talks about “getting you back into remission....” and that has a good sound to it. She is managing the medical approach to this, and I am managing the spiritual approach to this – we are working together, for the same cause, and she values our part as we value hers.

So far, everything about her approach involves a new experience, and a new learning curve. For some around me, it is too conservative. For others, too aggressive. In the midst of the swirling opinions, I find a place to stand, holding onto God.

I will follow her approach as much as I can. I will monitor my nutritional choices, looking to starve the cancer and build my body. I will pursue alternative health treatments that aid in my cause, or building body and starving cancer. How they all come together, only God knows....but I trust HIM. I trust what He has said, and who He has sent me to.

The CAT scan showed a mass in my chest, under my sternum, cancer in the sternum, another mass within the lymph nodes at the base of my neck, right side, and the presence of a brain tumor. The parameters of the scan were “neck, chest, abdomen, pelvis,” but the camera caught a different angle and the computer interpreted what it saw...and there was a brain tumor. “By happenstance...” I was told. I think it was God.

The tumor is on the pineal gland, middle of my head, base of the brain – very difficult to get to. While the functions of the gland remain much of a mystery, it is known that it controls circadian cycles, like sleep and wakefulness (or hibernation). The shape and location of the tumor cause all the doctors involved to believe that it is not metastasized breast cancer. The first opinions offered to my oncologist, by phone, are that destroying it with a Gamma Knife (laser) would be better than trying to go in to biopsy it – zip, zap, get it done and over with. Sounds good, except that the actual neurosurgeon, the wielder of the Gamma Knife, says “No”. Nothing can happen without a biopsy – needle through the brain – nothing is without risk, and there is no reason to take this risk until we know more. Return for brain scan in 6 weeks so a comparison can be made. Nobody known how long this thing has been there, or what speed it grows at. More growth and it will become dangerous, creating pressure in the brain and interfering with certain functions – then, it has to be done, but right now, it does not.

This gives me 6 weeks to pray it down, and away. I’m not kidding. I really believe this. I have seen way too many miracles to doubt that it can happen.

In fact, we walk through this, my family and I, holding onto hope and faith and trust. We do trust the One who is in charge, ultimately. There have been tears of shock and surprise, huge all around. We know better than to isolate with our thoughts, or to hide them from each other. We are living – LIVING – with cancer just on the surface, still laughing because we think “brain tumor” is so over-the-top that no one would believe it. (In fact, Monica’s lecturer did not, and required a letter from the doctor to excuse her absence for having taken me to a surgery. Maybe, this close to the end of the term, everybody’s claiming their mom has a brain tumor...)

Monica’s mom does. And cancer, too. Everybody has more room in their mind for cancer – as long as it’s somebody else who has it.