THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

It is the day of the Gamma Knife Procedure/Neurosurgery. We are up at 4am, to get there in time to check in. Both Autumn and Monica are ready for the 5am lift-off – and I am so blessed that they want to accompany me, and be there. We all know that from the initial check-in, they will be isolated from me, in a waiting room – most likely until 5pm. But, they choose to be there, praying together, and being together with Dennis.

Having had the Gamma Knife Procedure two years ago, and having memories of an easy day, I am set – I do need the grit for it, and I know the Lord has given me that. I feel very straight-backed, as I check in. What I don’t know yet, but will, is that this is an entirely different day than expected.

The first IV needle, in the “one good vein” that has been used for everything medical in the past 11 years, brings blood spurting out of my arm. Blood is pooling in the crook of my arm, and spilling on the floor. Ironically, by the time this is cleaned up, the skin prick has already clotted! But, that spot can’t be used, so the needle is inserted in the back of my hand

I know that the IV sedation will come before the frame is screwed onto my head – I have only the slightest memory of the beginning of the frame attachment from 2 years ago – so I know I will experientially “slide away”, from this point until the finish of the entire day.

To my surprise, this medication has almost no effect on me. I am very alert and awake as the needles go in, and they burn and hurt. I am also very alert as the framework is screwed onto my head – I had no idea it would be so grueling! This is not an easy experience.

Many times during the day, I say very clearly, “I am much more alert than I want to be!” The nurse checks my chart and finds that they have administered the exact some dose of the exact same medication that they used before – apparently, that they always use. It is not helping me. “Your body has become immune to it….I don’t know why…” is mentioned by the nurse, but the doctors actually never address this. I love and respect them, anyway.

They had enjoyed my story of my having to jump through some new administrative hoops, for my insurance. I now need a “family practice doctor” to be a “gate-keeper” for me – to keep me from going to specialists unnecessarily. This turned out to be very difficult – the closest family practice “gatekeeper” willing to take a new patient is 55 miles and an hour drive from our home. Right in the midst of preparing for brain surgery, the insurance company insisted on this, and the clinic 55 miles from us had mercy, and agreed to see me.

(The doctor at this clinic was out for the week, but a very nice, very professional Nurse Practitioner saw me. In 20 minutes, she listened to the story, reviewed 25 pages of notes faxed to her from my oncologist, and promised to “OK” the gamma knife procedure. I told her, “My entire neurology team is waiting for your approval!” and she laughed and said, “Wow! I’ve gone from strep throat to brain surgery in one day!” I appreciated that she recognized the irony of the day. I also appreciated her willingness to step in and save the day.)

The actual procedure is not painful – it is high on the weird-o-meter, though. The frame feels heavy on my head, and my neck is never really supported as I lie on the GK table – there is a strain in my neck because of this. The good news is that they are equipped with “new material” – and the procedure will take a much shorter time. (We all have memories of hours of being there, waiting there, gamma material streaming into my head, previously.)

In the middle of the procedure, there is going to be a re-adjustment, to aim at the second tumor. I am allowed a break for the ladies’ room. When I come back in, supported by my nurse, one of the doctors refers to the table as “the couch.” What? I ask, “You call that ‘the couch’?”

They all nod and say, “Yes.” I get to say to them, “I am REALLY more alert than you guys!” and we all laugh. Laughing is good. As uncomfortable as I am, I know how grateful I am that this is going to work – that I have not needed “whole brain radiation” again, and that this is available to me. These machines are few and far between. And, I have huge trust in both my doctor and in God’s presence with us. (I have checked --- the new doctor there is a believer, too. The nurse is wearing a card attached to her ID card, which hangs around her neck. This card has a prayer printed on it. I am in good hands!)

MUCH earlier than we had expected, the procedure is over. The head-frame will be removed – the spots where the needles went in, and the screws were, are tended to, and Dennis is allowed to come in and help me dress. THE WONDER OF OUT-PATIENT BRAIN SURGERY HITS US AGAIN – WE ARE SO GRATEFUL THAT I GET TO GO HOME ON THE SAME DAY!

In the wind-up towards leaving, I talk to my Neurologist (best in the world) about insomnia. I have already tried a prescription drug, that hasn’t helped me. He will write a prescription for a stronger one, and says, laughing, “Perhaps I should go through your Nurse Practitioner, though…” We all laugh. I find that bureaucracy brings about a lot of laughter – it is just always important not to be laughing in front of the bureaucratic rule-imposer (!). (Do I have to repent for that? I recognize that insurance companies all have to fight both fraud and unnecessary expenses….but…)

After all of this, here is what is important ---I am home. I am alive. Those tumors have been hit hard, and will not survive! I will be able to be with Autumn, on her birthday, tomorrow! I am grateful to God for so MANY things.

I look forward to what He and Dennis and I have ahead of us, and THANK HIM, again and continuously!

GOOD IS GOOD!! LIFE IS GOOD!!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

PS. The insurance company would not approve my neurologist’s choice of sleeping pill, so the pharmacy cannot fill it until they have “more information,” and that is why – at 2:30am, I am able to write this. AIN’T LIFE GRAND!!?

THE DAY BEFORE...

This is the "day before." The Gamma Knife procedure is tomorrow. The waiting will be over. I will know if the tumors were still there -- if so, the Gamma Knife procedure will progress, and it all ends with me being home to celebrate Autumn's birthday on the 8th. PRAISE GOD!

I woke up feeling much steadier than I have been feeling**, and told Dennis, "I know that God will give me the 'grit' to face this thing tomorrow...He always does." HALLELUJAH -- that IS the truth -- He ALWAYS does give me what I need, when I need it! Just thinking it through lifts me -- one thought leads to the next, and I am celebrating being in the hands of such a loving God...

An hour later, I find a tiny note that I wrote (who knows when??), and it becomes the most important little note I've ever written. It says, "DWELL IN POSSIBILITY."

Of course! HOW on earth could I have lost that place of HOPE that is so strong in me? Even I am surprised by this!

The Lord tells me two things: first, I have a ferocious enemy who hates me. (How awful would it be if my life didn't attract the enemy's attention? How awful would it be if he discounted me as a danger?) The second thing, He says, is that this is no worse than the opening of Terminal Five at Heathrow Airport. (The Brits will understand this...nobody else has to....) The opening seemed horrendous, but, it actually was "just a set-back. It is functioning well, now."

And, so am I! I AM DWELLING IN POSSIBILITY. I have my sermon ready for the medical staff, should they have to tell me that they can't find the tumors anymore.....and I have my lunch ready, should the procedure go on. Who knows what God has planned for tomorrow? I sure don't. But, I know that ANYTHING is possible, in Him!

**(Speaking of feelings...Dennis and I have a pattern for dealing with "not feeling well..." We look at whether what I am feeling is physical, emotional or spiritual. It will be one of those three things. If it is emotional or spiritual, we can change that -- we DO have authority over what we listen to in our heads, and even if I am snowed under by it, Dennis will not be, and can lead me back to truth. Even though I know this, I have been struggling...).

TODAY, however, I am not snowed under -- I am on top of the snow drift! I am dwelling in possibility, covered and protected by a BIG GOD! And I have all the grit I need to be at the Gamma Knife, tomorrow.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

I see that it has been over a year since I posted a blog…..imagine the reasons, so that I don’t have to write them…please. I will say that we returned to the mission field and saw God do BIG and WONDROUS things. We also greeted our new grandson, Jet, in October --- anyone who has a grandchild living nearby will KNOW that time just evaporates. He is GRAND! (No wonder they are called that…) Jet becomes more “himself” everyday, and we thrill to each and every learned thing! His parents, Autumn and Jacob, remain in the center of our hearts as we watch them care for him with so much love and JOY! We are lost in wonder and joy, with them!

On our last trip, we were able to minister in England, Sheltand Islands, Norway and Italy. A little more than ten weeks long, it included 2 weddings of people we love -- one wedding in England and the other in Norway. Very splashy events! We were touched by how good God has been, to blend us into other’s families!

We returned with appointments for “routine scans” – ready to see that all was well. Oops. The first, the MRI of my brain, showed two new tumors...this time, in the grey matter. The shock we felt was surrounded with “good news,” and it was hard to absorb both the shock and the “good news” at once…but here it is, and it IS good. First, they are too small to have created any changes or problems in me - in how I think, or speak, or move. PRAISE GOD! Second, they are able to be hit by Gamma Knife – and that IS good news. (Dennis said to me, later, “Honey, it could be worse….they could be inoperable…” I said, “Honey, they could be worse … they could be operable!”)

I have seen plenty of my fellow “brain cancer survivors” with really horrendous scars around their heads and faces….the Gamma Knife does not need my skull messed with, and I am very grateful. I DO remember the procedure in 2006 – I had hoped not to need it again, but the fact remains that I do.

Less than a week later, I had my “routine” (I put that word in quotation marks to say how very naïve we were, strolling in, with not a thought in the world of bad news…) scan of neck and chest, and learned that there are three new tumors in my chest, sitting right atop the sternum. Dr. DiMartino says, “Spend no energy wondering WHY – it IS there – spend your energy dealing with it.”

This sounds good to me, as we’ve gone through “WHY?” with God enough times to know that answer is not discernable with finite minds. “Asking me ‘why?’” He says, “is the same as asking me ‘Is a rectangle yellow, or red?”…or, “How many miles are in a month?”

All will be known in Heaven, where we get to use the other 90% of our brains – and doesn’t that sound good?? Honestly, the more I think about Heaven, the more I wonder why I’m fighting this so hard. And, the answer always is – because I love being here – I love my family and want to know and be known by my grandchildren – there is more for me to do here.

SO…the date for the Gamma Knife is set. After that, I will have 10 days to rest/recover and then we will be with Dr. Di Martino, reviewing options for dealing with the tumors in my chest.

The fight continues.