I WAIT

As of this morning, I have a caseworker who has --- three times, on three different dates -- told me that my acceptance letter "is in the mail to you." It means less, every time she says it.

In the meantime, had that been true, even ONCE, the Medicaid computer would show me as covered, and it does NOT. There is no moving forward without insurance coverage, so I am waiting.

As a matter of fact, I have worn the words "I WAIT" on the top of my hand for weeks now -- I re-draw it every day. Whenever we write to our friends in Russia, or Ukraine, to say we are coming, they write back, "We wait." That always makes me laugh, as if sounds to me as if their entire activity, for that time, is waiting. (AND, TRULY, life in Russia IS a lot about waiting...)

So, now I AM waiting. I am waiting for the Medicaid to be on -- REALLY.
I have had a clarifying session at the Dr's, to learn just "where and how much" about the cancer. The upper part of my sternum is involved, and there is a tumor very close to my heart, sitting right on the pericardium (a thin sack that surrounds the heart). "You REALLY need treatment," I am told... as if I can do anything about it.

I don't know if my caseworker is intentionally lying, or doesn't know, or forgot to do some step -- and I can't affect it, either. The entire system is designed to be impenetrable.

Here's my prayer need -- to actually, TRULY, have the Medicaid restored, and for treatment to begin. I need to start beating back that cancer, in the physical. I fight it, in the Spirit, all the time. I have a skilled and creative Oncologist, with a plan to shoot radiation at angles, to target the cancer and protect my heart. At this point, she has to work around the areas of my chest that have already had radiation. Both my oncologists are believers, and I appreciate that.

My neurosurgeon is a believer, too. Also, I have had several scans, most done by the same technician, and, at the last test, I asked the him "Are you a believer?" He straightened up from what he was doing, and asked, "Do you mean in the Lord, Jesus Christ?? I sure am!"

I am blessed by God.

I also know that I am covered by Him. I am in the midst of His Plan for me. I do not know what the Plan involves, but I know where it has taken me, this far. (I KNOW that it is a much better plan, than my own original plan, so I THANK HIM for rescuing me out of that one.)

I know that this Plan continues, into an Eternity with Him. In the time between now and then, it is important -- no, essential -- that I remember the goodness of God, the faithfulness of God, and that I have ready responses to the voices of fear and hopelessness that speak so often, to me.

In the natural, my situation looks pretty bad. But, we know that what we see, in the natural, is just a very small piece of what is really going on! So, I look beyond that -- to the promises I have, that have not yet appeared. I watch the horizon, and I wait on my Dad to cover me, protect me, and move on my behalf. In THAT place, I find peace --- and in the peace, I WAIT.

With much love,
Melanie

In HIS hands!

All the world knows that we have had an election, and are looking at, and for, change. It is a larger reflection of the change that I am looking for , personally – but, it is with the same hope.

This nation is part of our inheritance -- we inherited it, many of us were born to it -- and now we have to decide HOW we will care for it. What IS our responsibility? To pray for it, cover it in prayer, and tend it daily, that it does not rot or decay!

Whenever we moved house, we always wanted to know that we left a house better, nicer, than it had been when we moved in. That house should not show years of dissolving disregard, and disarray, if we had been living there. We certainly have that kind of responsibility with our nation. My mother is already repenting and crying about WHAT we are leaving to our children and grand-children.

I have a different paradigm : Perhaps they will find themselves needing to press into God, needing to fight the fight that seems to land upon every generation --- and learn to be perfected by complete dependence on God. SO many generations have had to do that --- we can't think that God intends us to find the perfect system, and create our own earthly paradise....These are some of the things that I have to think about, as I CONTINUE to fight cancer.

I have to admit that some days, I DON’T fight cancer -- some days, I just have "life" and disregard the attack against me. I read Devin Mitchell's weekly Shabbat letter, in which he talks frankly about guarding Israel, as part of the the Israeli army --- those letters have taught me that there is no "time out" when under attack -- or even when threatened with attack.

Now, what can I do? LIVE connected to God --- my only sure defense. There is no "wall of health" that I can build, to protect me from the cancer that is ALREADY within my walls. I can have some days off --- but not as many as I have "on." The cancer never slows down, or takes time off.

My newest shift : Remembering that "fighting", when led by the Lord, is not physically grueling. It is gentle and soft and steady and can be done from a flopped-in-bed position. To fight this attack against me, I need only to keep my hand in HIS hand -- whispering to Him, thanking Him, listening to Him. The defensive part is to NOT listen to what fear says, to what despair says -- it is to "JUST SAY NO."

The cancer won't go away. My wishes are completely futile, in this. There is no exit door. I have gone every place I thought I would find healing. I have had thousands praying for me. I have spent my own time in prayer. I land, over and over again, on complete dependence in GOD. I land, over and over again, on trusting Him, in all things -- even unto death.

Dennis and I have learned that it is IMPORTANT for us to learn how to take bad news well -- how to live through the shock and move into the wonder and expectation. GOD WILL NOT ABANDON US --- and that means, it will be a RIDE to watch Him rescue us!! WHAT will He do? WHEN, and HOW? I am already watching, eyes on the horizon, for His lead!!

We will -- no doubt -- have to learn some things the hard way. GOD WILL STILL LOVE US, AND LEAD US. We will -- no doubt -- have disappointments. GOD WILL STILL BE IN CHARGE. We will -- no doubt -- have some BIG fights ahead, and consequences to live through. GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL AND STEADFAST.

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie