LIVING with HOPE AND CANCER

Bringing It Home...

2009-06-18T17:47:00.005Z

(sometime in 2008...just found the notes..)

We are having an early morning conversation about death, dying, passing....

Dennis says, "All that we've learned, all that we've become, is not for a future event, is not for a conference, or for a book -- but FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS - that in the moment we face separation, we would have the foundation under us that we have.

I remember a word that my Dad gave me -- TRUST GOD!

Dennis continues, "If we were evaporated TODAY, we still had a wonderful life -- that doesn't change with a cancer diagnosis. 10 years ago, God said to me, "You're not even promised the next breath.."

Melanie: Life seems so sweet, so dear, and I don't want to let go...

Dennis: There won't be a tug for this life -- you're going to see Jesus and go shooting off, like a bullet from a gun.

Melanie: WHAT IF I only had 3 hours? What would we do?

Dennis: Get dressed and go see Jet!

Melanie: What is "doing it well?"

Dennis: To get through it -- to not stop shedding/giving over to God those things that disagree with Him -- sadness, fear, trepidation, loss, doubt....so we can keep our eye on the prize. The cloud of witnesses sees us and cheers us on, because they know that regardless of what we're going through, here, Heaven is worth it! They KNOW the prize!

This was all within the context of a "that's NOT cancer" report. The context has changed -- it IS cancer, and I am flooded with feelings that I didn't expect. The whole thing is a surprise to me, from the diagnosis to my reaction. Dave would say, "What is THAT about?" and I wonder, too.

And, do I yet have a diagnosis? I have a "most probably..." The new report on Wednesday could surprise me, even more. Am I going through an exercise, a test, that will evaporate on Wednesday? Maybe...

Dennis: We will tell them that you need to be back on the mission field by late February.

Autumn joins in : THIS is what defines human existence -- thinking about death. You either do it, or you don't, and that defines you.

Temperature Control

2009-06-18T17:36:00.002Z

I AM AN ETERNAL SPIRIT --- wrapped in a pretty defective package, the effect of living in a fallen world.

To achieve "comfort," I need ice packs on 4 parts of my body, and a hot water bottle in a 5th place.
If that's not funny, I don't know what is. It makes me laugh & laugh! The endorphins are rising at the rate of a long-distance runner -- and I'm just propped up on the couch!

HERE'S THE REALITY --
This packaging -- my earthly body -- is SO temporary. The same us true of cancer -- a temporary condition in the Universe.

My spirit, which cannot be damaged, or evaporated, is ETERNAL.

PRAISE GOD!!

PS. everything that I learn, and every way that my heart is changed by this experience -- is MINE to KEEP. HaHaHaHaHaHa. The Lord and I will have the last laugh!

PEACE

2009-06-15T23:57:00.003Z

April '09

It is BEYOND human understanding.

It is OUT THERE.

And, it is AVAILABLE.

CALL the PEACE OF GOD to you!!

HEALING --

It's SUCH a good thing!

BLINDED

2009-06-15T23:29:00.002Z

March '09

Blinded By Our Own Fears

Our daughter, Autumn, frequently comes over with her son, Jet. They come through the door, both smiling. We are smiling, too, as they (along with husband/son in law, Jacob) are a huge delight for us.

Autumns puts Jet down, and takes his jacket off him. Usually, this is a prelude to a fun time of playing, all of us together. But, sometimes, Jet begins to look worried -- he thinks that perhaps he is being dropped off by Mommy. He looks at his Mom and begins to cry.

He cries BIG CROCODILE TEARS. He is INCONSOLABLE and DISTRESSED. BIG TIME.

NOTHING has happened, yet, but he is wailing as if his life is over. Jet doesn't seem to know that she is there.

His Mom is close by -- we are ALL promising that she is not leaving -- but, in his own head, life is crashing down around him.

He is crying and crying -- nothing has happened yet -- he is just AFRAID of something happening.

The only thing that helps is when she picks him up, and holds him on her hip -- what a safe and comforting hip that is! Nothing bad ever happens when he is on that hip!

How many of us do that to Daddy God? Our fear keeps us from trusting in what is going on. Our fear keeps us from knowing that He is there.

The answer is ALWAYS -- stop listening to fear. If it sounds like fear, feels like fear, tastes like fear -- it is a lie from the enemy. Fear keeps us from hearing the truth that is being spoken, and it keeps us from seeing that God IS WITH US.

HIS HIP IS AVAILABLE.

(Rationalizing fear -- determining that there is a good and practical reason to be afraid -- that is a lesson for another time...but, it remains a denial of the truth --and is always disagreement with God.)

Do I still fight against fear? OH, YEAH. Fear is always serving up another idea to me. My best defense, currently, is to share the scary idea with my husband, who will laugh and say, "NO! Send that away!" A lot of little pains become the basis for an impending death -- which is just not true. God has told me otherwise, and He tells the TRUTH.

The only thing that the enemy can speak are lies. Therefore, I know several ways that I will NOT die -- and the list is growing. Sometimes, all my teeth hurt, as a side-effect of a medication that I am taking. Before all this was confirmed for me (as a side-effect), I thought that I would have to have all of my teeth OUT. Amazingly, I found a way to be in peace on this -- and then learned what it really is. No need to have teeth removed.

I find ways to alleviate the pain, and I laugh at the lie.

HE IS STILL IN CHARGE. HE WILL BE WITH ME -- REGARDLESS OF THE JOURNEY, WHICH WILL CONTINUE ON IN HIM, LONG AFTER THIS TEMPORARY BODY IS GONE.

PRAISE GOD!

Do You Remember?

2009-06-15T17:10:00.002Z

Jan 09

Do you remember? More importantly, do I??

"Are we preaching a meeting tonight?," I ask for the 3rd time today. I am aware that I've been told 2 times, but I just don't remember the answer...(I have the message to preach inside my head, already...)

"YES," Dennis says, "and then we are sleeping here, and moving on to another city tomorrow, to do 3 meetings in a row."

As he says it, I realize that I have heard it before. I am looking for our written calendar, so I can check it the next time I wonder, and will not have to ask Dennis. I am just praying that I wasn't the last one to have the calendar, and that I have not lost it.

WHOA....is this the slow descent into dementia/ OR, the enemy shooting more arrows?! That question hit hard, and produced tears.

OF COURSE I am still being shot at!

OF COURSE hopelessness is still looking for a way in!

I've got to stop listening to EVERYTHING that is not of God, or about God -- and HOLD FAST to what is true.

WHAT IS TRUE?

I have a Savior, who said, "In this world, you will have troubles, but take heart. I have overcome this world."

So, cancer exists, pain exists, evil exists -- and yet, He is bigger than all of it.

I have a life that is divided between health/cancer treatment, and ministry/traveling.
Not only is He IN both places, with me -- He is OVER both places.

PRAISE GOD!!

Truth and Lies

2009-06-15T16:36:00.002Z

Aug. 08

I had been told that I was "without spot" on the scans, so I am stunned that I have new cancerous tumors --- AGAIN.

I was just there for "routine follow-up scans," so I expected the same good news. Some call it "denial". I call it hope. In the end, I will out-live cancer. It will not go with me into eternity. It is TEMPORARY.

Appealing to God -- actually crying out like road-kill, I hear Him say, "You have a ferocious enemy."

We are talking about the enemy, satan, who opposes God and therefore, HATES me.

I have realized a couple of things -- complete lies that I have lived in ---

Lie #1 - a belief that I can "get out of this." I'm a good citizen, a friendly and educated person, with high verbal skills. I'm a rule abider. All this adds together to mean that I can and will find a "way out" of this misunderstanding/this sentence/this punishment.

Lie #2 - I have seen what the enemy does, and I have felt protected from it. I don't live "in that kind of neighborhood" -- the one that is full of dangerous characters. I have lived in a "nice neighborhood," where God is the Playground Guard.

(I'm sorry, God. I have missed a major part of this plot -- must have gone to the Ladies Room at the wrong time...)

Dennis and I were recently in Italy, ministering. The city we were in was having a major heat wave that surprised even them -- it was over 100 degrees (F), and there was no relief. In every building, turning on the air conditioning caused all the power to go off. We were all stuck in it -- we were powerless against it -- we were all dripping sweat. There was no door out -- no exit. For all the days that we were there, this heat remained.

Cancer, it turns out, is like that. There is no door out. It's a roller-coaster that doesn't stop. It may slow down for a minute, but it picks up steam soon enough, and I'm hanging on for dear life.

I may have more treatment coming up, and I don't know what it will be like. As if seeing that the roller-coaster is about to climb steeper, and the cart will go through an upside-down loop, I am scared.

I'm thousands of miles away -- in Europe -- and I'm scared? WHAT is that??

I am hearing the whispering of the exact same enemy who invented cancer -- and all disease. Having infliced it upon me, he is now thratening me with sores -- salt in the wound -- he hasn't done enough damage. The enemy says that I have no choices, but I actually have many. I can take the treatment, not take the treatment, or ask for a different treatment.

On the spiritual side, I can block the enemy's words -- keeping God's promises in the forefront of my mind -- I find this easier some days, than others. I frequently need to be reminded of this option.

If I lived in "a nice neighborhood," with God as the playground guard, this cancer would be so unfair. But, I don't live there -- I live in a war zone! It is dangerous here, and I am being pursued by an enemy who wants to destroy me.

There have been some "close calls" that the lord has rescued me out of -- but he has left me here in the war zone (John 14). We are ALL in the war zone. If we understood that, maybe we'd be more united...more helpful. Maybe we'd realize the value of each other -- and the need we really have of each other.

The other choices that I have concern who I am going to be, as I fight cancer. I get to choose to trust God -- and to listen to Him, which does drown out the enemy's voice. In God, and with God, is PEACE, COMFORT, HOPE.

There is no door out, but there is a "door through". The "door through" teaches us things that we could learn no other way. it is a humbling place of weakness, memory loss and dependence.

Sheer and complete dependence -- it turns out -- is a place of rest. It is trying to maintain independence that is difficult.

"Dependence" is the truth -- that is why it has power. We are created beings -- we were never independent of our Creator. "Independence" is a lie -- it has never been true, and never will be true -- and that is why we never find peace there.

I WAIT

2008-11-12T10:26:00.002Z

As of this morning, I have a caseworker who has --- three times, on three different dates -- told me that my acceptance letter "is in the mail to you." It means less, every time she says it.

In the meantime, had that been true, even ONCE, the Medicaid computer would show me as covered, and it does NOT. There is no moving forward without insurance coverage, so I am waiting.

As a matter of fact, I have worn the words "I WAIT" on the top of my hand for weeks now -- I re-draw it every day. Whenever we write to our friends in Russia, or Ukraine, to say we are coming, they write back, "We wait." That always makes me laugh, as if sounds to me as if their entire activity, for that time, is waiting. (AND, TRULY, life in Russia IS a lot about waiting...)

So, now I AM waiting. I am waiting for the Medicaid to be on -- REALLY.
I have had a clarifying session at the Dr's, to learn just "where and how much" about the cancer. The upper part of my sternum is involved, and there is a tumor very close to my heart, sitting right on the pericardium (a thin sack that surrounds the heart). "You REALLY need treatment," I am told... as if I can do anything about it.

I don't know if my caseworker is intentionally lying, or doesn't know, or forgot to do some step -- and I can't affect it, either. The entire system is designed to be impenetrable.

Here's my prayer need -- to actually, TRULY, have the Medicaid restored, and for treatment to begin. I need to start beating back that cancer, in the physical. I fight it, in the Spirit, all the time. I have a skilled and creative Oncologist, with a plan to shoot radiation at angles, to target the cancer and protect my heart. At this point, she has to work around the areas of my chest that have already had radiation. Both my oncologists are believers, and I appreciate that.

My neurosurgeon is a believer, too. Also, I have had several scans, most done by the same technician, and, at the last test, I asked the him "Are you a believer?" He straightened up from what he was doing, and asked, "Do you mean in the Lord, Jesus Christ?? I sure am!"

I am blessed by God.

I also know that I am covered by Him. I am in the midst of His Plan for me. I do not know what the Plan involves, but I know where it has taken me, this far. (I KNOW that it is a much better plan, than my own original plan, so I THANK HIM for rescuing me out of that one.)

I know that this Plan continues, into an Eternity with Him. In the time between now and then, it is important -- no, essential -- that I remember the goodness of God, the faithfulness of God, and that I have ready responses to the voices of fear and hopelessness that speak so often, to me.

In the natural, my situation looks pretty bad. But, we know that what we see, in the natural, is just a very small piece of what is really going on! So, I look beyond that -- to the promises I have, that have not yet appeared. I watch the horizon, and I wait on my Dad to cover me, protect me, and move on my behalf. In THAT place, I find peace --- and in the peace, I WAIT.

With much love,
Melanie

In HIS hands!

2008-11-07T11:27:00.000Z

All the world knows that we have had an election, and are looking at, and for, change. It is a larger reflection of the change that I am looking for , personally – but, it is with the same hope.

This nation is part of our inheritance -- we inherited it, many of us were born to it -- and now we have to decide HOW we will care for it. What IS our responsibility? To pray for it, cover it in prayer, and tend it daily, that it does not rot or decay!

Whenever we moved house, we always wanted to know that we left a house better, nicer, than it had been when we moved in. That house should not show years of dissolving disregard, and disarray, if we had been living there. We certainly have that kind of responsibility with our nation. My mother is already repenting and crying about WHAT we are leaving to our children and grand-children.

I have a different paradigm : Perhaps they will find themselves needing to press into God, needing to fight the fight that seems to land upon every generation --- and learn to be perfected by complete dependence on God. SO many generations have had to do that --- we can't think that God intends us to find the perfect system, and create our own earthly paradise....These are some of the things that I have to think about, as I CONTINUE to fight cancer.

I have to admit that some days, I DON’T fight cancer -- some days, I just have "life" and disregard the attack against me. I read Devin Mitchell's weekly Shabbat letter, in which he talks frankly about guarding Israel, as part of the the Israeli army --- those letters have taught me that there is no "time out" when under attack -- or even when threatened with attack.

Now, what can I do? LIVE connected to God --- my only sure defense. There is no "wall of health" that I can build, to protect me from the cancer that is ALREADY within my walls. I can have some days off --- but not as many as I have "on." The cancer never slows down, or takes time off.

My newest shift : Remembering that "fighting", when led by the Lord, is not physically grueling. It is gentle and soft and steady and can be done from a flopped-in-bed position. To fight this attack against me, I need only to keep my hand in HIS hand -- whispering to Him, thanking Him, listening to Him. The defensive part is to NOT listen to what fear says, to what despair says -- it is to "JUST SAY NO."

The cancer won't go away. My wishes are completely futile, in this. There is no exit door. I have gone every place I thought I would find healing. I have had thousands praying for me. I have spent my own time in prayer. I land, over and over again, on complete dependence in GOD. I land, over and over again, on trusting Him, in all things -- even unto death.

Dennis and I have learned that it is IMPORTANT for us to learn how to take bad news well -- how to live through the shock and move into the wonder and expectation. GOD WILL NOT ABANDON US --- and that means, it will be a RIDE to watch Him rescue us!! WHAT will He do? WHEN, and HOW? I am already watching, eyes on the horizon, for His lead!!

We will -- no doubt -- have to learn some things the hard way. GOD WILL STILL LOVE US, AND LEAD US. We will -- no doubt -- have disappointments. GOD WILL STILL BE IN CHARGE. We will -- no doubt -- have some BIG fights ahead, and consequences to live through. GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL AND STEADFAST.

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie

TROUBLES

2008-10-28T17:56:00.004Z

In August, I received a letter from my insurance, saying that I must be available for a "phone interview" on a date in September. This would be to "review my status." I phoned my representative, and told her that my oncologist had given me the month of Setember "off treatment" so that I could return to the mission field. I asked "Can we do the interview now?"

The representative said, "No, but don't worry --we can do it in October....no problem."

When we arrived home, in October, I had a letter saying that she had cancelled me out of the system, for "failure to have phone interview." I would have to re-apply for insurance, and wait.

Interesting.....I had been writing the words "I wait" on my hand, everyday, for weeks. I felt it was what I was having to learn. I have a lot of "not yet on the horizon, promises from God," including a promise for healing. When we write to pastors in Ukraine, or Russia, they simply write back, "We wait." It has always made me laugh -- as it sounds to me as if that is now their primary activity! Well, it is now MY primary activity. I wait on the Lord! I wait on Him to move my insurance along. I wait on Him for treatment, and for the strength and grace to get through treatment! I wait on Him, that I may feel better. I wait!

I am not able to go on our next scheduled mission trip -- I will be here, in Indiana, getting treatment, and Dennis will travel alone. (He will go from one set of dear friends to the next -- he will not really ever be alone -- but I will miss him!). I will pray for him everyday, pray for the ministry of every day, and I will wait!

What a blessing that this little trip is 3 weeks long, and not one of our more standard 4-5 month trips! PRAISE GOD!!

I have learned to rest when I need to -- even if it is several times a day. I am learning -- still -- to hang on to God while the winds of trouble swirl around me (I thought I had learned that before, but have you noticed that each succeeding wind seems to blow harder??) "Living things grow...", we learned a long time ago, and growing involves CHALLENGE.

Dennis tells me that "every test is a chance to excel!" and I want to do just that! WHY NOT? What is the option?

Another God-appointed trip to Blandford!

2008-09-28T17:03:00.000Z

In 2007, we were invited to teach at The Gathering Place, in Blandford Forum, England. The invitation was for October, and I went through a LOT of cancer treatment with the internal promise that "I will be in Blandford, in October...." We did get there, preach, and see lives changed. Hallelujah! Our favorite activity, with some of our favorite friends!

When we returned from that trip, it was to more reports and more treatment. In August of 2008, I had another Gamma Knife brain surgery, and this time I was holding onto "I will be in Blandford in September!"

Following a (surprisingly grueling) session with the Gamma Knife, we did make it back to England, for a very busy 30 days. This trip included several places, and churches, that were new to us, especially in the far southwest.

The part that was not new -- was the goodness and mercy of the Lord! His presence, at each teaching, at each meeting, was rich! With every hour that we were there, another person came for prayer and left knowing Him a little bit better, a little fuller --- or, a LOT better, and a LOT fuller.

He really IS the God of Love. He really DOES know what is going on inside of each of us, and He really WILL bring to us, each, the truth we need to heal our hearts/minds. Once we are finished with a ministry time with a person, we seldom remember what it was all about. But, we DO remember the huge, expressive THANKS of each person who has just heard the Lord, heard the missing puzzle piece of his/her life, and is dancing out, different forever!

We don't ever doubt the value of what we do with the Lord. We always ask Him for more!
He LOVES freedom!

A long time ago, our pastor said to us, "God will do all the work....but you will get the hugs!" Hasn't THAT been true! People are always very excited when we get to their church, but we know it is because HE has come, with us. Our prayers are always that we would reflect Him well, and lead people deeper in to His heart. Because of that heart desire, He is constantly challenging us on our own beliefs, and attitudes, keeping us sharpened and cleansed. This is the kind of experience none of us wants -- to be straightened out, AGAIN -- but the pay-off for going through it is AMAZING. AND, we couldn't do the work that we do, if we were not continually sharpened.

So, "sharpen me, Lord..." it is! Dennis teaches us all to pray, "God, show me where you and I disagree..." God will answer that prayer. He will highlight for us the attitudes/beliefs,vows that are not worthy of Him. It's perhaps essential to understand that He will never agree with us, in our low self-esteem, in our fear, in our doubts about Him, or about our lives. He made us to carry His purposes -- He has placed HIGH value on us -- He has done all the work to redeem our sinful natures -- He has paid the price!

Just before we got to Blandford, we hosted a Weekend Retreat in the Coltswolds area. People who have been working with the More Light inner healing model were invited, along with any who were interested in learning it. The retreat center told us that they "never" allow single individuals to book into their facilities, however, this weekend they had! (It seemed like a surprise to them, too..)

A lone woman wandered into our first session, and we said, "Come in, come in..." She had no idea what we would be talking about, but within 10 minutes of hearing some MoreLight stories, she began to cry. As we were sitting in a large, extended circle, we could all see this. Dennis took the opportunity to ask her about her tears, and to lead her into hearing from the Lord, and getting His perspective -- HIS truth. The most amazing first-hand lesson, for the group!

This woman may not have known why she had booked into this conference center, and the center may not have known why they let her --- and we certainly didn't know God's plans -- but HE DID!! Over the weekend, we all watched her change -- her demeanor, her questions, her comments, and her confidence in her God. Along the way, MANY others at the weekend reached into their hearts for their deepest pain and deepest problems --- to find HE was there, with all the help needed.

On this trip, we drove more little, winding, bumpy, blind-curved roads than ever before! Dennis really dreads the blind-curve roads, with signs posted, saying, "On-coming traffic may be in center of road". It's always good to have a native Brit drive through those one-lane/2 way traffic roads that are bordered, on each side, with a 6 foot high shrub-line!

I'd like to say that I got through this trip well --- I'd LIKE to say that -- but it would be a complete fabrication. I was extremely fatigued for most of it, and stayed in bed a few times, sending Dennis to do the preaching without me. This is not a problem for either of us -- it was merely a disappointment for me. A disappointment that I was going to have to get over -- one more thing to hand over to God.

I discovered a specific lie within my thinking -- which was, "when I am on treatment, I am fighting cancer. The rest of the time, I should be well. I should have energy. I should be able to do what I used to do." (You can laugh, here....I know God did...).

As long as I held onto that lie, I couldn't hear the truth that I needed. Then, one day, as I pondered it anew (always blaming myself -- "should be walking more," "should be getting stronger..."), I heard God say, "Have you considered that your body is fighting hard, anyway, even if you are not..?"

OH! WOW! A new idea, which I had not considered...being busy assigning blame.

This was a blessing for Dennis, who each day would patiently deflect my moaning disappointment in my weakness! What a good break for him!?! (This man, my Univeral Champion Husband, who gets me through....every day and every night. The husband who wakes me up with a cup of tea, and the announcement, "We are BOTH alive today! God has something GOOD for today!")

GOD IS GOOD!! HE IS WORTHY OF PRAISE -- OF ALL OUR PRAISE!!

HE GIVES US LIFE HER ON EARTH -- A TRAINING COURSE, A DRESS-REHEARSAL, A CHANCE TO CHOOSE HIM AND LEARN TO EMBRACE HIM -- AND THEN.....MY GOODNESS....THEN, AN ETERNITY WITH HIM --- IN A PLACE THAT CANCER CANNOT FOLLOW!!!

CELEBRATE WITH ME, THIS LIVING GOD!!!

THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

2008-08-08T15:51:00.000Z

THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

It is the day of the Gamma Knife Procedure/Neurosurgery. We are up at 4am, to get there in time to check in. Both Autumn and Monica are ready for the 5am lift-off – and I am so blessed that they want to accompany me, and be there. We all know that from the initial check-in, they will be isolated from me, in a waiting room – most likely until 5pm. But, they choose to be there, praying together, and being together with Dennis.

Having had the Gamma Knife Procedure two years ago, and having memories of an easy day, I am set – I do need the grit for it, and I know the Lord has given me that. I feel very straight-backed, as I check in. What I don’t know yet, but will, is that this is an entirely different day than expected.

The first IV needle, in the “one good vein” that has been used for everything medical in the past 11 years, brings blood spurting out of my arm. Blood is pooling in the crook of my arm, and spilling on the floor. Ironically, by the time this is cleaned up, the skin prick has already clotted! But, that spot can’t be used, so the needle is inserted in the back of my hand

I know that the IV sedation will come before the frame is screwed onto my head – I have only the slightest memory of the beginning of the frame attachment from 2 years ago – so I know I will experientially “slide away”, from this point until the finish of the entire day.

To my surprise, this medication has almost no effect on me. I am very alert and awake as the needles go in, and they burn and hurt. I am also very alert as the framework is screwed onto my head – I had no idea it would be so grueling! This is not an easy experience.

Many times during the day, I say very clearly, “I am much more alert than I want to be!” The nurse checks my chart and finds that they have administered the exact some dose of the exact same medication that they used before – apparently, that they always use. It is not helping me. “Your body has become immune to it….I don’t know why…” is mentioned by the nurse, but the doctors actually never address this. I love and respect them, anyway.

They had enjoyed my story of my having to jump through some new administrative hoops, for my insurance. I now need a “family practice doctor” to be a “gate-keeper” for me – to keep me from going to specialists unnecessarily. This turned out to be very difficult – the closest family practice “gatekeeper” willing to take a new patient is 55 miles and an hour drive from our home. Right in the midst of preparing for brain surgery, the insurance company insisted on this, and the clinic 55 miles from us had mercy, and agreed to see me.

(The doctor at this clinic was out for the week, but a very nice, very professional Nurse Practitioner saw me. In 20 minutes, she listened to the story, reviewed 25 pages of notes faxed to her from my oncologist, and promised to “OK” the gamma knife procedure. I told her, “My entire neurology team is waiting for your approval!” and she laughed and said, “Wow! I’ve gone from strep throat to brain surgery in one day!” I appreciated that she recognized the irony of the day. I also appreciated her willingness to step in and save the day.)

The actual procedure is not painful – it is high on the weird-o-meter, though. The frame feels heavy on my head, and my neck is never really supported as I lie on the GK table – there is a strain in my neck because of this. The good news is that they are equipped with “new material” – and the procedure will take a much shorter time. (We all have memories of hours of being there, waiting there, gamma material streaming into my head, previously.)

In the middle of the procedure, there is going to be a re-adjustment, to aim at the second tumor. I am allowed a break for the ladies’ room. When I come back in, supported by my nurse, one of the doctors refers to the table as “the couch.” What? I ask, “You call that ‘the couch’?”

They all nod and say, “Yes.” I get to say to them, “I am REALLY more alert than you guys!” and we all laugh. Laughing is good. As uncomfortable as I am, I know how grateful I am that this is going to work – that I have not needed “whole brain radiation” again, and that this is available to me. These machines are few and far between. And, I have huge trust in both my doctor and in God’s presence with us. (I have checked --- the new doctor there is a believer, too. The nurse is wearing a card attached to her ID card, which hangs around her neck. This card has a prayer printed on it. I am in good hands!)

MUCH earlier than we had expected, the procedure is over. The head-frame will be removed – the spots where the needles went in, and the screws were, are tended to, and Dennis is allowed to come in and help me dress. THE WONDER OF OUT-PATIENT BRAIN SURGERY HITS US AGAIN – WE ARE SO GRATEFUL THAT I GET TO GO HOME ON THE SAME DAY!

In the wind-up towards leaving, I talk to my Neurologist (best in the world) about insomnia. I have already tried a prescription drug, that hasn’t helped me. He will write a prescription for a stronger one, and says, laughing, “Perhaps I should go through your Nurse Practitioner, though…” We all laugh. I find that bureaucracy brings about a lot of laughter – it is just always important not to be laughing in front of the bureaucratic rule-imposer (!). (Do I have to repent for that? I recognize that insurance companies all have to fight both fraud and unnecessary expenses….but…)

After all of this, here is what is important ---I am home. I am alive. Those tumors have been hit hard, and will not survive! I will be able to be with Autumn, on her birthday, tomorrow! I am grateful to God for so MANY things.

I look forward to what He and Dennis and I have ahead of us, and THANK HIM, again and continuously!

GOOD IS GOOD!! LIFE IS GOOD!!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

PS. The insurance company would not approve my neurologist’s choice of sleeping pill, so the pharmacy cannot fill it until they have “more information,” and that is why – at 2:30am, I am able to write this. AIN’T LIFE GRAND!!?

THE DAY BEFORE...

2008-08-06T21:00:00.002Z

This is the "day before." The Gamma Knife procedure is tomorrow. The waiting will be over. I will know if the tumors were still there -- if so, the Gamma Knife procedure will progress, and it all ends with me being home to celebrate Autumn's birthday on the 8th. PRAISE GOD!

I woke up feeling much steadier than I have been feeling**, and told Dennis, "I know that God will give me the 'grit' to face this thing tomorrow...He always does." HALLELUJAH -- that IS the truth -- He ALWAYS does give me what I need, when I need it! Just thinking it through lifts me -- one thought leads to the next, and I am celebrating being in the hands of such a loving God...

An hour later, I find a tiny note that I wrote (who knows when??), and it becomes the most important little note I've ever written. It says, "DWELL IN POSSIBILITY."

Of course! HOW on earth could I have lost that place of HOPE that is so strong in me? Even I am surprised by this!

The Lord tells me two things: first, I have a ferocious enemy who hates me. (How awful would it be if my life didn't attract the enemy's attention? How awful would it be if he discounted me as a danger?) The second thing, He says, is that this is no worse than the opening of Terminal Five at Heathrow Airport. (The Brits will understand this...nobody else has to....) The opening seemed horrendous, but, it actually was "just a set-back. It is functioning well, now."

And, so am I! I AM DWELLING IN POSSIBILITY. I have my sermon ready for the medical staff, should they have to tell me that they can't find the tumors anymore.....and I have my lunch ready, should the procedure go on. Who knows what God has planned for tomorrow? I sure don't. But, I know that ANYTHING is possible, in Him!

**(Speaking of feelings...Dennis and I have a pattern for dealing with "not feeling well..." We look at whether what I am feeling is physical, emotional or spiritual. It will be one of those three things. If it is emotional or spiritual, we can change that -- we DO have authority over what we listen to in our heads, and even if I am snowed under by it, Dennis will not be, and can lead me back to truth. Even though I know this, I have been struggling...).

TODAY, however, I am not snowed under -- I am on top of the snow drift! I am dwelling in possibility, covered and protected by a BIG GOD! And I have all the grit I need to be at the Gamma Knife, tomorrow.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

2008-08-06T20:47:00.001Z

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

I see that it has been over a year since I posted a blog…..imagine the reasons, so that I don’t have to write them…please. I will say that we returned to the mission field and saw God do BIG and WONDROUS things. We also greeted our new grandson, Jet, in October --- anyone who has a grandchild living nearby will KNOW that time just evaporates. He is GRAND! (No wonder they are called that…) Jet becomes more “himself” everyday, and we thrill to each and every learned thing! His parents, Autumn and Jacob, remain in the center of our hearts as we watch them care for him with so much love and JOY! We are lost in wonder and joy, with them!

On our last trip, we were able to minister in England, Sheltand Islands, Norway and Italy. A little more than ten weeks long, it included 2 weddings of people we love -- one wedding in England and the other in Norway. Very splashy events! We were touched by how good God has been, to blend us into other’s families!

We returned with appointments for “routine scans” – ready to see that all was well. Oops. The first, the MRI of my brain, showed two new tumors...this time, in the grey matter. The shock we felt was surrounded with “good news,” and it was hard to absorb both the shock and the “good news” at once…but here it is, and it IS good. First, they are too small to have created any changes or problems in me - in how I think, or speak, or move. PRAISE GOD! Second, they are able to be hit by Gamma Knife – and that IS good news. (Dennis said to me, later, “Honey, it could be worse….they could be inoperable…” I said, “Honey, they could be worse … they could be operable!”)

I have seen plenty of my fellow “brain cancer survivors” with really horrendous scars around their heads and faces….the Gamma Knife does not need my skull messed with, and I am very grateful. I DO remember the procedure in 2006 – I had hoped not to need it again, but the fact remains that I do.

Less than a week later, I had my “routine” (I put that word in quotation marks to say how very naïve we were, strolling in, with not a thought in the world of bad news…) scan of neck and chest, and learned that there are three new tumors in my chest, sitting right atop the sternum. Dr. DiMartino says, “Spend no energy wondering WHY – it IS there – spend your energy dealing with it.”

This sounds good to me, as we’ve gone through “WHY?” with God enough times to know that answer is not discernable with finite minds. “Asking me ‘why?’” He says, “is the same as asking me ‘Is a rectangle yellow, or red?”…or, “How many miles are in a month?”

All will be known in Heaven, where we get to use the other 90% of our brains – and doesn’t that sound good?? Honestly, the more I think about Heaven, the more I wonder why I’m fighting this so hard. And, the answer always is – because I love being here – I love my family and want to know and be known by my grandchildren – there is more for me to do here.

SO…the date for the Gamma Knife is set. After that, I will have 10 days to rest/recover and then we will be with Dr. Di Martino, reviewing options for dealing with the tumors in my chest.

The fight continues.

In HIS hands!

2008-07-11T11:24:00.001Z

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie

2008-07-11T11:17:00.000Z

All the world knows that our nation has had an election, and is looking at, and for, change.

It is a larger reflection of the change that I am looking for , personally – but, it is with the same hope.

I have a different paradigm : Perhaps they will find themselves needing to press into God, needing to fight the fight that seems to land upon every generation --- and learn to be perfected by complete dependence on God. SO many generations have had to do that --- we can't think that God intends us to find the perfect system, and create our own earthly paradise....These are some of the things that I have to think about, as I continue to fight cancer.

I have to admit that some days, I DON’T fight cancer -- some days, I just have "life" and disregard the attack against me. I read Devin Mitchell's weekly Shabbat letter, in which he talks frankly about guarding Israel, as part of the the Israeli army --- those letters have taught me that there is no "time out" when under attack -- or even when threatened with attack.

Now, what can I do? LIVE connected to God --- my only sure defense. There is no "wall of health" that I can build, to protect me from the cancer that is already within my walls. I can have some days off --- but not as many as I have "on." The cancer never slows down, or takes time off.

My newest shift : Remembering that "fighting", when led by the Lord, is not physically grueling! It is gentle and soft and steady and can be done from a flopped-in-bed position. To fight this attack against me, I need only to keep my hand in HIS hand -- whispering to Him, thanking Him, listening to Him. The defense part is to NOT listen to what fear says, or to what despair says -- it is to "JUST SAY NO."

The cancer won't go away. My wishes are completely futile, in this. There is no exit door. I have gone every place I thought I would find healing. I have had thousands praying for me. I have spent my own time in prayer. I land, over and over again, on complete dependence in GOD. I land, again, on trusting Him, in all things -- even unto death.

Serving a BIG GOD,

Melanie

WAITING FOR THE GAMMA KNIFE

2008-07-06T20:54:00.000Z

Today and tomorrow are weird days -- as I'm just "waiting" for the Gamma Knife Day -- the significance being that they will do an MRI of my brain before the gamma Knife -- and THAT is when we'll see IF the tumors are still there.....!

I've had some pretty significant prayer/ministry since they were first seen -- and Marc Dupont challenged me to "refuse the tumors" -- saying, "We all know you were healed in January -- this is only the devil, Melanie..." I say, "Well, I know that, because ALL cancer comes from the devil...."
This is way past that – I am challenged to treat this as I did the "fake allergies" that came after I was healed of allergies -- took 9 months of telling it to "GO" -- but, I really WAS free. (This happened during the time when Autumn was so sharp in the spirit -- she told me, one day, "OHH! Now it makes sense to me. It's not really allergy -- it's just a spirit of infirmity imitating allergies!")

Can that spirit "fake" tumors on a scan? I don't know. I'll be the first to say -- I DON'T KNOW. But, I DO know that those "fake allergies" sure looked and felt real -- and if I'd gone to a Dr for it, that Dr. would definitely have diagnosed "allergies."

Right after Marc landed that one on me, I opened my Bible to the woman with the issue of blood -- she reached out -- and what Jesus said to her was ,"YOUR FAITH has healed you..." SO, I am determined to be IN THAT FAITH --- I always believed that when I told the allergies to go, they would -- and it was born out over and over, over 270+ days.....I am told that people near and dear to me believe that when the MRI is examined, they will say that the tumors are gone. I am declaring it, internally and out loud --- I can get there, as I continually send discouragement and hopelessness away -- as much as I have to fight them -- and as "reasonable" as they seem -- they are NOT from God! THAT is where I have to STAND.

The Lord has -- many times -- answered my questions with "We'll see..." I guess that's where I might be ---- we'll see. I DO know -- 5 days of fighting this fight -- that HE is the only thing that is really TRUE. Jesus IS the TRUTH. Nobody else can give me truth. Nobody else has absolute truth. Jesus IS the TRUTH --- and what MY own experience tells me is that I can trust Him -- He WILL be there -- He IS with me -- He IS in charge.

God's promises ARE true, because He can't function outside of TRUTH. He has no other agenda, and no other vocabulary, than truth.

Tomorrow is my LAST "waiting day" -- I'm nowhere near as calm as I'd like to be -- I'll trust Him to bring me into that, on Thursday. I guess that I don't really need it, tonight...

What IS a "Good Report" ?

2007-04-19T20:39:00.000Z

Another 8 weeks in England and Norway -- moving from church to church, from group of friends to groups of friends, from one home to the next -- landed us home early April. The very next day, we were in Indianapolis so that I could have an MRI of my brain and a visit to the neurosurgeon.

THAT report I understood -- all was well -- and the tumor was continuing to shrink. We got to see the progress, presented on a split screen, with the original MRI on one side, and the current MRI on the other. In layman's terms (which probably would make my doctor laugh...) we saw that the tumor originally was about the size of a silver dollar, and is currently about the size of a dime. (For the Brits, think "a little bigger than a 50p, and a little smaller than a 1p. I don't think I know how to convert it to Euros...) THIS WAS A GOOD REPORT! It was the first time there that I did not have to touch my finger to my nose, and walk in a straight line (neuro tests...).

The next week I had a CT scan of the rest of my body, and an appointment with my oncologist, for the results. The report from the CT scan said that the tumors in my body were growing. This meant that the medicine wasn't working and the chemo hadn't worked -- a new treatment plan was needed. My doctor left us, momentarily, to phone the doctor who had written the report.

We looked at each other and took a deep breath. The cancer was not being controlled. Maybe, it wouldn't be controlled. We know how to go through more treatment -- I know how to receive chemo -- we know how to "buckle our seat belts, slap on a Nitro patch and hang on." We knew we had to think further, too.

Dennis took the lead, saying to me, "Melanie, if you only have 6 months left, this is what we will do --- you will tell me where you need to go, and who you need to see one more time, and we'll go. We will not lose ONE MINUTE or ONE DAY of the time we have......AND if you have years ahead -- 20 years -- we will STILL not lose one minute or one day. THAT is how we will live."

By the time my doctor was back, we were decided, resolved, tearful and KNEW that we trusted God in this, as in all things. Neither of us is afraid of Heaven....so we are not afraid of death, either. There are many, many things that I want to do here on Earth, before I leave, but I learned long ago that I can trust God in all things, especially timing.

In her time away from us, my doctor had the scan re-read by a different doctor -- to a much different result. A CT scan doesn't provide a full picture -- it reads "slices". A lymph node may be oval in shape, and the measurement of one will be different depending on whether the scan caught the tip of the node, or the mid-point. The new report did NOT see growth -- it was a good report.

Dennis and I had moved through shock and landed on trust in record time -- moments like this are invaluable for discovering whether what we think we believe really is what we believe! We are grateful for the "pop quiz" (American, for an unexpected exam in school) -- and thanking God for His extravagant goodness and mercy -- to have given us life, to have preserved our lives amidst cancer and heart disease -- and to promise an eternity of WONDER after this life.

My blood work showed a lower than normal "tumor marker." This means that while the tumors exist, the cancer is not "active" (growing). THIS is a GOOD REPORT!

We have learned something new -- to us, anyway. We have expected that amazing moment when all scans are completely clear. Well, they are not! However, they are not worse than they were, either -- and THAT, it turns out, is a GOOD REPORT.

We are both living. We are both waking each morning and having a whole day to use in any way we choose. Today, we are driving to be with friends we love, for a few days -- not to say "Good bye" but to eat and tell stories and laugh, and to buy some baby things for our daughter.

In the next few days, we'll be telling what the Lord has done, and talking about WHO He is -- these are our favorite things. We'll be living in Him -- secure in the shadow of the wing of the Most High God.

Blessings over you, to know HIM!

Just Can't Wait to Get on the Road Again...

2007-04-01T23:16:00.000Z

"Just can't wait to get on the road, again...." (Willy Nelson)

Early into this cancer battle -- very early -- Neville Green, a pastor in England, wrote and invited us to preach in his church, in October (2006). This was a huge source of hope and encouragement -- it gave me something to put on the calendar, and head towards.

I always tell people who are newly diagnosed with cancer to think of something they REALLY want to do -- and put it on the calendar, for a date far past treatment. "Make that date and that event a goal -- any day that it's a good day, you are moving towards your adventure. If it's a bad day, that doesn't matter -- because you are still moving towards your adventure -- and you don't need to feel well, YET..."

So, preaching in The Gathering Place, in October, became the goal that I was moving towards. By the time October came, we were booked to be in Europe for 9 weeks, ministering in 11 churches in England, and spending 6 days in Finland, ministering in several meetings, there.

Every part of my life headed towards that goal. Chemo treatments were scheduled to be completed in time -- 12 days of radiation of my chest happened -- Dennis and I began short daily walks, to increase my strength. I had been holding onto a verse from Psalm 118 -- "I will live and not die, and I will tell of what the Lord has done" for a full year, and my opportunity was getting closer.

That mission trip was a display of God's goodness. We DID get to "tell of what the Lord has done." His Presence moved with us, in powerful and mighty ways. Hundreds and hundreds of people responded to the call to tell God they were sorry for blaming Him in their difficult circumstances, and hundreds and hundreds of people apologized to Him for being angry with Him for their life circumstances.

We were told, over and over again, that the message He is sending through us has changed people's outlooks, and lives. We were met, after each meeting, with such gratitude for a "message that we can understand, hold onto, and put into place in our lives."

Dennis and I found that after 9 years of teaching on Hope and Fearlessness -- trusting God AND His Plan (even when we don't like it...), we are now preaching out of something so much DEEPER than we ever had before. Previously, we KNEW what we KNEW -- in our hearts and in our minds -- but following the year of cancer battle, that knowledge seems to be seeping out of every pore of our bodies. I don't have the proper language for what I'm trying to say -- I think my little toes and my fingernails pulse with the knowledge of His goodness!

While in England, I was reminded that "according to your Blog....you are still ill..." That's where the memory-loss problems came in -- I was trying to post something new on the Blog, but had "lost" my own password into the file. I am FINALLY back inside the blog!

I am not ill! I am also not cured -- YET!

The scans say that the tumors exist. The blood work says that the tumors are "inactive (not growing)" I will continue to get new scans periodically. (Naively, I thought this was to watch the tumors shrink....but, as it turns out, this is more to see if there are any "new" tumors.... I am scheduled for an MRI of my brain every three months).

Cancer hasn't killed me, yet.....and it hasn't stopped me, either. God did NOT give me a second cancer battle, but He used the fight I had to go through to teach me, stretch me, change me --- and looking back, I wouldn't change ANY of it. What a time we had with HIM!

Later this summer, we will be back on the road again -- and have pure excitement about seeing old friends and meeting new friends, and spending all our time telling"what the Lord has done..". What a way to live!

We will head across the Atlantic again, in June, and be in the Shetland Islands, Northern Ireland and England. In each place, we will be witnesses to the GREAT FAITHFULNESS of God, and we will see Him touch His people.

YEA, GOD!!

Memory? What Memory?

2007-03-17T22:29:00.000Z

MANY APOLOGIES for the gap in time between the last blog posted and this one! It was out of my hands – really.

I FORGOT THE PASSWORD that lets me post to the Blog. It took several tries and desperate sounding letters to wrestle the password out of the server/provider (I mean, it IS a brain tumor that I am writing about….) but I eventually came up with enough information to regain entrance to the Blog.

I am sorry that it sat, vacant, for months, and I APPRECIATE those of you who have tuned in, again….

MEMORY? WHAT MEMORY??

Short-term memory loss has become an issue. I am becoming familiar with people telling me, “You already told me that…” or, “I already told you that…” and that does not feel good. It feels awful. It feels especially bad when frustration comes with it. If I could scoop up all those heavy sighs, and drop them in the bin, life would be easier.

Jesus has made my life easier so many times – I know He does that. But it’s not always by removing the thing I don’t like that He makes it easier – MOST often, He does it by taking me THROUGH the thing that I don’t like.

If I could fix this, myself, I would. That I don’t remember something means – once more – that I don’t have the power to fix it. Fix it?? I most often can’t remember what it was that didn’t work! Oh, yeah…my memory.

I have been having fun with a particular story – and Dave, our administrator points out that I am remembering the story enough to tell it, over and over again. THAT’S a good thing…My story is this: Dave started a very detailed conversation with me about technical things. I interrupted him, to say, “Dave, it MIGHT be that tomorrow, I’ll say to Dennis, “Dave talked to me about that – and THIS is what he said.”

It is also a possibility that I will say to Dennis, “Dave talked to me about that, and here is part of what he said…I don’t remember the rest.”

It is an EQUAL possibility that I will say to Dennis, “Dave talked to ME!?!?”

Makes me laugh, every time! Why not laugh? I can’t do a thing about it!

But, it’s not “OK” with other people….well, at some point, they will get to make peace with that, themselves. Maybe, the Lord is using my memory loss to surface things in them…frustration, impatience, anger, feeling rejection, etc. Nothing is healed that is not surfaced, first. Do I want them to feel those things? No. Neither does Jesus want them to feel those things – so, perhaps He has set in front of them this memory-challenged friend/loved one, to give them another chance to take those feelings/attitudes to Him.

I certainly have been taking my hurts to Him, AND my frustration at not remembering things. I know that He understands me. I know that He understands what it feels like when people who love me forget for a moment that they love me, and that they are glad that I’m alive – and gasp in exasperation that I have lost an important detail, again!

Fortunately, He never forgets and He always forgives. He is so in love with us – He will use anything in our path to call us to His heart and His purposes. I am returned – continuously – to my complete dependence upon Him. He is who designed and created my mind – and He knows well how to repair it. I will wait on Him, and rest in the comfort of knowing that His plan is a good plan…one for a hope and a future….(can’t remember where to find that scripture……just kidding…it’s on a poster in my bathroom….Jeremiah 29).

HE IS EVERYTHING. I have nothing to fear, because I live in the shadow of the wing of the Most High God.

The GAMMA KNIFE Day

2007-01-07T23:04:00.000Z

Meeting the GAMMA KNIFE

From the beginning, the Gamma Knife had been suggested as a good treatment option regarding the brain tumor. There is only one Gamma Knife in the state of Indiana, and it is in Indianapolis, where my neurosurgeon practices.

A real wonder – it works by shooting Gamma rays at a target, destroying the targeted tumor. The ‘up’ side is huge – it replaces the cutting through of the skull and digging through the brain (not a medical term, I’m guessing…) that it would take to remove the tumor. I was also told that this tumor really could NOT be cut out – it had a rich blood source and would have bled too much into my brain.

With the Gamma Knife, there would not be blood, or cutting – just a slow death to the tumor, which would be hit hard, remain intact, and over a period of months, shrink and become absorbed by my body. The procedure would take one day, and I would be home that evening. These things sounded GOOD.

The “down” side was the list of “possible side-effects” (which included things like paralysis and loss of speech), and that it required having a metal framework screwed into my skull. The doctor who described this said, “It’s uncomfortable…”

I asked, “Do you mean ‘uncomfortable,” as in, people complain? Or, “uncomfortable,” as in, people cry?”

Without a second thought, he said, “Kids cry…men complain…woman don’t say a word…”

That was reassuring to me – at least no one was screaming.

It didn’t stop me wondering whether I could hold up the “women don’t say a word” part. I looked for someone else who’d had it, and couldn’t find anyone to talk with. The “Gamma Knife day” remained on my horizon, and played around my thoughts.

I engaged in a different prayer direction, begging God to remove the tumor before the Gamma Knife day. I knew there would be another MRI before the procedure, and as I prayed, I was ready for the doctor to come and say, “WOW!! It’s GONE!!” I had a wonderful testimony of Jesus, all prepared for the moment.

HOWEVER… the tumor was NOT gone, the framework WAS screwed to my head, and the beams were fired into my brain. I came out VERY GRATEFUL to God --- grateful for how smoothly the whole thing went, and for how easy He made it.I am being credited with way too much “bravery” these days --- I didn’t walk in there, on Gamma Knife Day with bravery – all I had was faith that Jesus would be with me, as He had been at every other test/surgery. He makes all the difference.

I am also VERY GRATEFUL that He let me go through that day, and the Gamma Knife procedure --- had He taken the tumor, that procedure would STILL be out in front of me as a possibility, and as a growing fear.

Had God removed that challenge, I would NOT KNOW that He could make the Gamma Knife day an EASY day – one filled with His presence and His protection. I am so glad to know that. It builds my knowledge of WHO He is, and how fully He has overcome.

Jesus came to give us “fullness of life.” “Fullness” doesn’t mean that we won’t have brain surgery. It means that if we have to have brain surgery, He will be there, with us, as He was, with me.

HALLELUJAH!

Hats Are Heavy -- I Am NOT MY HAIR

2006-06-25T20:17:00.000Z

Hats are heavy, wigs are tight, makeup irritates the acne -- I go bald and draw on eyebrows if I feel like "dressing up..." What this all REALLY does for me is give me permission to go for long walks in my neighborhood, in my pajamas --- it also gives me permission to sit on peoples' lawn furniture when I'm exhausted (no fences here) --- who will chase the bald woman off? You see what I mean? I don't have to get any older to become eccentric!

A few weeks ago, a friend in the neighborhood told me she was reading a book about a woman who was totally paralyzed, and then healed by God. I said that sounded great and I'd love to read it, so when she finished it, she dropped it by. I was very surprised to see the book cover -- BOLDLY saying "PLEASE LOVE ME --- a woman's desperate plea for the miracle of intimacy." I can STILL produce endorphins thinking about the look on Dennis' face when he saw me reading that (!!), whispering, "Melanie......is something missing from your life?? Can I help you?" If I grow any more in love with that man, I may just explode.

We are approaching our 28th anniversary this Nov --- and can chronicle highs and lows and passion and disgust and hopelessness --- working as counselors during the day and needing counselors in the evening -- and the Holy Spirit was always passionate for us, leading us into our own healing and dropping off keys for others' healings. We emerge very different people than we were, filled to overflowing with Him --- and I want to wear a name tag that says "I am not my hair. I'm looking a little rough, but I am passionately loved beyond all reason."

Eight years ago (called "The First Fight") Monica told me that she did not want to see me bald. I thought about whether I could actually pull that off for her, and decided instead to confront the issue for her ---- gave her 1 1/2 hours of the BEST, MOST AMAZING AND ASTOUNDING counseling that there EVER was -- all about change and how unavoidable it is in life, and how learning to live with change is a secret key to everything and how God would help her.... ended by saying, "Tell me what you have heard me say..." to which she replied, "It hurts you that I don't want to see you bald..." STILL makes me laugh -- has anyone EVER heard as clearly and distinctly as she did, that day?

It is so humbling to realize THAT is how clearly God hears me, all the time! I say, "Blah blah blah blah....dear Lord" and He hears, "I am listening to self-pity today, and inviting its words to circle around in my head, and consequently am feeling pretty lousy....” AND HE LOVES ME!! TO OVERFLOWING!! WOW! DOESN'T THAT PUT A DIFFERENT SPIN ON MY DAY!!
I am so grateful for the struggle -- FREE TUITION to the School of Life, Advanced Courses, taught by The ONE, the Creator, the Almighty God. I live in the shadow of the wing of the Most High God --- that's where I live --- doesn't THAT cut through "social standing" ?!?

This Could Be My Last Chance...

2006-06-15T14:59:00.000Z

Some years ago we read a teaching about dealing with life’s difficult circumstances, and suffering. The author said he believed that when we rise up out of terrible circumstances and choose to praise God, that act moves the Father’s heart to tears.

The author went on to say that once we are in Heaven there won’t be any terrible circumstance, or any suffering. We will finally be removed from any of the difficulties we have known here on earth. In Heaven, we will revel in the Father’s love and Presence – which means that we will no longer have difficulties to rise up out of, or to overcome with Him.

Because His love for us is so great that He freely gives us salvation, we will be a delight to Him. BUT, we will never again be able to touch His heart is that particular way. There will be no more chances to do that. There will be other ways, but never again will we get to do it THAT way.
Thinking through that, I realize that this could be my LAST chance to trust and thank Him through a cancer fight. I want to do it BIG – I want to go on record as having TRUSTED and THANKED Him. I don’t actually want another chance/another cancer fight – I want to understand what Paul said about “suffering well.” I plan to embrace THIS day as a chance to do that.

On THIS day, I will sing and rejoice in having such a BIG God. On this day, I will thank Him for all that is in front of me and for His presence by my side.

Are You Listening To Yourself?

2006-06-03T14:57:00.000Z

“Life and death is in the power of the tongue.”

I pray to a God who is the Most High, talking to Him and asking Him for help, because HE has the power to change my world and to heal my body. I believe in Him and all that He says, and I trust Him.

I am not without my own power, however. What I speak, or don’t speak, will make a big difference. When people say, “Tell me about your cancer…” I begin the answer with, “Let me assure you – it’s not MINE – it was not invited and it can’t stay. I am fighting it with everything I know.” The same goes for “your tumor”. I am not claiming these things – they are invaders, and are not welcome.

I cringe when I hear people say they’re “not doing well, getting worse, dying…” How many years ago were those studies of what happens if a person’s co-workers, one by one, say, “Are you ok? You don’t look good…”? By the end of the day, the person goes home, headed for bed, because they “don’t feel well…” I thought we all knew that, and laughed at the truth of it – at our own vulnerabilities. If what other people say means so much, and affects us so easily, then what we say about ourselves must have even greater power.

It’s tragic enough when people denigrate themselves and criticize themselves. “I’m stupid,” “I’ll never get there,” “I’ll never accomplish this….” comes out of people’s mouths all the time – and there they are, predicting what will happen (we call it a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’). WHY is this so self-fulfilling? Because even if we aren’t really listening to our own words, our bodies are listening.

God gave us two amazing gifts: The first is the freedom of choice – our will is ours to engage and set. He gave us so much freedom of choice, that we are even able to choose whether we believe He exists, whether we believe that He loves, whether we believe what He says. What a BIG and CONFIDENT God He is!

Having that kind of choice, we also get to choose what attitudes and beliefs we will hold and live by. Each day is a new choice – will we trust? Will we love? Will we forgive? Will we embrace the wonders and opportunities of each new day? Or will we let the situations around us define us? Will we let our circumstances outweigh the good things in the day? Will we punish those around us with upset moods and doubts? Will we try to hold God hostage to our desires, threatening to leave Him if our conditions don’t “improve”? Will we let Him work Truth into our lives and our hearts, by trusting His plan and walking with Him?

These choices are ours, every day. Free will choice is a gift that will set the course of our lives – depending on how we use it. There is no “pass” or “incomplete” in this – there is no waiting until we’ve made up our minds -- our beliefs and attitudes will set the day, and our words about ourselves and our health will be heard by our bodies. The choice is ours. We can speak life, or death – with words that have power.

There Is Purpose In the Process

2006-05-20T13:30:00.000Z

I am not disconnected from God. He is present in many very real ways. He shows both His faithfulness and His consistency daily – in large things and in small. It doesn’t take much of a look to see His hand around us.

There is purpose in the process that we are living through. I don’t yet know what that purpose is, and I may not know it until Heaven. But, I trust it. I trust His purposes and His Plan.

Biblical people, whom God used and loved, went through extensive experiences of “process” – that were not easy. Abraham was sent off to the unknown, Moses was sent into the desert and then before Pharoah, Mary lived the experiences of an unwed, pregnant teenager. Each was given a word, and entered into a process that would reach deep within them and hold on to their hearts.

I am in a process – a healing process, a refining process – I am fighting cancer and drawing closer into His presence, all at the same time. I am also experiencing victory over fear and discouragement and despair --- and I am in process of standing in Him, in the face of my list of medical appointments. Being sick does not mean that He has left me on my own --- quite the opposite. My calendar and my brain (largely) are cleared and free --- I have lots of time to just sit and talk with Him, to appreciate Him and to worship Him.

For so many days I was capable of nothing more than laying on my bed and doing those things. It may sound pitiful, but what days those were! Once I felt better, and had more energy, then I had to choose --- to remember to choose --- to spend hours like that. Those hours are still precious, but while in them, I hear the temptation of everything else in my life --- and I have to continue to choose Him and His Presence. Purpose – in the process. Learning to live in Him, regardless of what else is surrounding me, or calling me.

The process is much like the process of learning to stay in grace, when anger and resentment are rising up, begging to be chosen. Learning to stay in the place that feeds, sustains and restores. My heart needs it, and my body needs it. Like learning to stay in forgiveness, when injustice swirls. Learning to forgive is a vital and essential tool ---- learning to stay in forgiveness is a different learning curve. It requires a moment-by-moment holding onto the Holy Spirit within us --- it requires Jesus in us, and us aware.

To be aware of His heart is to know how much He loves all the people in our lives – letting Him love them, through us, keeps us connected to His heart. Letting Him reflect through me, and touch others through me, helps in my healing process --- anytime I am open and available to Him, He comes. Whenever He comes, healing is present --- because wherever He is, healing is present. In the same way, whenever I am open and available to Him, I am wrapped in great hope – because wherever He is present, Hope is present.

WHY

2006-05-10T20:23:00.000Z

WHY??

Cancer is a disease that screams the question, “WHY?”

Why do I have it? Why do you have it? Why did it happen to me, to you, to us? WHY DO I HAVE IT AGAIN?

Why did God let this happen? Why hasn’t He healed me? Why do I have to go through this?

Some years ago, the Lord spoke to my husband about “why?” Dennis heard that the question “Why?’ is an emotional question, and can never be answered satisfactorily – the heart and mind will always demand another explanation.

That it is an emotional question means that there is something else, underneath the question. Something that hurts --- something that feels as if God doesn’t love us, or has turned His back on us – is actually asking the question. Something that feels like we’ve been abandoned into the world, without His help. That feeling actually hurts more than cancer.

We had an interesting discussion with my doctor – about how quickly some people lose all faith in the face of illness. What causes them to so quickly drop what they have known and believed? At the time that they need to hold onto faith and hope the most, they seem to empty their pockets. Is it a misbelief that life is supposed to be easy and comfortable? Is it a misbelief that once we know God, then He makes everything go our way? Is it in not understanding that we are on a journey that will take us many places?

The journey that each of us is on has been individually designed. There are no accidents, for people who are the creation of the One. Within each journey are riches untold, wonders surrounding us, joy and hope and peace to be found and made our own.

We find them by simply opening our eyes and our hearts to them. We miss them by insisting on a life that we understand, and can control. God offers us “fullness” --- fullness means to live IN and THROUGH difficult times, having our hearts and our characters changed by the trials, becoming more like Him. In that way, we are ready and victorious in the next difficulties. The process builds us, strengthens us, empowers us – all IN Him.

We learn how to get to His fortress, how to get to His lap and how to stay in His Presence – through the Process.

“My purpose is to give life in all its fullness. I am the good shepherd….” (John 10:10-11)

Addendum to "If That Was the Last Time You Saw Me......"

2006-05-01T13:24:00.000Z

I have spent a season being so close to God --- so immersed in His presence --- I have no fear in me, of what is coming next.

I make these requests of you ------ if I die,

Please do not blame my family, for lack of faith, for unbelief, for wrong attitudes.
Allow them to grieve, and miss me --- but do not agree with them that something “wrong” has happened.
Neither I, nor they, have been ripped off.
CELEBRATE where I am --- what I am experiencing – the WONDER that I am in!
SHOOT OFF FIREWORKS!

I will see you there!!! If you are not planning on going to Heaven, know that I am there, now, talking to God about you ---- don’t worry about a thing…

LIFE IS GOOD

2006-04-24T13:18:00.000Z

One of the joys of being stopped still by an illness is rediscovering the wonder of everyday living. I’m seriously into hot steaming bubble baths. I wear my glasses and bring a book, thinking I am going to read. But once I’m in the water, I just want to laze there. I like to feel the heat…as soon as it begins to cool, I put more hot water in. It’s a sensation that I love. And as many times as I do it, it’s wonderful every time.

Last night I spent my entire bath time being grateful for the feeling of hot water. I also love a cool breeze on my face. I used to love standing under a shower and feeling my hair get wet…I’ll look forward to that one again. I love the first cup of tea in the morning, and the last cup of tea at night (English decaffeinated).

Now that the big noise is gone (see previous post) silence is a wonder. Quiet is a wonder. The things that go through your mind in silence are wonderful.

What I am trying to say with this? This is about how wonderful life is. It is not very often that we are able to stop and appreciate every little thing around us. The feeling of hot water. A cup of tea. Rubbing your hands together when they are cold to make them warm. The sun on your head. A gorgeous puffy clouded Indiana sky. Being in the desert and feeling the heat on your skin (the desert is a place where God had a WHOLE bunch of different ideas).

LIFE IS GOOD! This is an important thing to know. It is essential to fighting illness. If we are fighting to hold on to something, that something has to be bigger than the life plans that we have made. It has to be bigger than our job, our house, our income. If we are fighting to hold onto the life force, we need to acknowledge how good life is. I can enjoy and appreciate my friends and their love, whether we’re out exploring the world, or they are gathered around my bed. I’m coming to enjoy having friends sit on the bed with me and I really appreciate those who will.

I am working on learning to enjoy the tea with molasses that I am drinking to increase my iron. Molasses must be an acquired taste. There is a wonderful dessert in England called Sticky Toffee Pudding. When I sipped my first cup of molasses tea, I realized that must molasses be a major ingredient of this dessert. So now my battle plan includes having what I call “Sticky Toffee Pudding Dessert Tea” each afternoon. As I drink it, I remember a particularly wonderful afternoon sitting on the patio of an English restaurant with Edward and Julia eating Sticky Toffee Pudding. The sun was warm, the breeze was blowing, it was spring and the flowers were blooming. It was a real “life is good day”. There was nothing more wonderful about life that day than there is today. Today is a good day, whether I am in bed or not. And tomorrow will be a good day…because LIFE IS GOOD!

The Big Sound...

2006-04-16T14:07:00.000Z

The Big Sound Is Gone

Those that live with me and near me have known that I have a big sound in my head. It started before Christmas when I would interrupt conversations and say, “DO you guys hear that?” I heard a sound like a helicopter hovering over the house. Or I would say, “Is my voice echoing?” By January, people needed to look right at me so that I could read their lips, because no one spoke as loudly as the Big Sound.

The Big Sound grew and morphed, sometimes it sounded like a low flying crop dusting plane, but mostly it became a riding lawnmower tractor that circled around me night and day. I could not find silence in anything, and I longed for it. (I tried ear plugs, but that just shut me in with the Big Sound.) I watched television in volume levels that could he heard throughout the house.

None of my doctors had any real ideas about the Big Sound. Originally they called it ‘auditory hallucinations’, but we discovered it was an intensification of real sounds around me. The refrigerator hum or the clothes dryer could become the Big Sound. One of my doctors said that the location of the brain tumor was akin to the Captains Bridge on Star Trek – all sounds got filtered and interpreted through there. I told one of my neurologists that I believed that as the tumor went, the sound would go, too. He smiled slightly and said, “Maybe.”

On Sunday, our pastor Gary preached on the healing of God. He talked about all of us needing to be ready vessels, available vessels, asking the Holy Spirit to show us people who needed healing, and then boldly asking if we could pray for them. He and the Holy Spirit were so in concert that halfway through his message I went forward for the prayer line. I was not going to miss this opportunity. I had wonderful prayer, and we headed home. When we got home, there was a neighbor on our front porch – at a different church, from a different pastor, she had heard the same thing. She came home saying, “I am putting my hands on Melanie.” She came in and we had a wonderful prayer time. I felt very encouraged by the way the Word was moving around in my atmosphere, and I knew that someday the sound would be gone.

Monday morning I woke up, puzzled. At first I could not figure out what was different, and then I heard it……SILENCE…..QUIET…..it was so amazing. It was so welcome. And it told me so much about my God. He was with me, He cared about the smaller things, He knew it meant a lot to me to be in silence, and He began joining me in the silence.

YEA GOD!

If That Was the Last Time You Saw Me...

2006-04-08T12:13:00.000Z

Know that I'm dancing! Know that I'm happy! Know that you will always be in my heart.
Know that I love you - this is easy for me to say, as I am at odds with no one.
Know that I've enjoyed my life - it has been filled with amazing joy and delight. I've found life to be astonishingly beautiful.
Know that the challenges didn't destroy me and the discouragement never lasted.
Know that gratitude has been my key - gratitude and hope and wonder. I hope you won't miss any of it - any of the wonders that surround you.
Know that the end, here, is saturated with peace - I've been close enough to know that.
I'm alive - I'm in life - you'll see me again. We'll talk again. We'll laugh again.

I have complete assurance about where I'm going - it's a trip I've looked forward to, while enjoying life here. Dennis and I have come to really enjoy living in the tension of how wonder-filler life here has been - yet, knowing that someday, one day, we'll be making the ultimate transition from here to there! From wonder to wonder!

I've talked with God - I know Him - He is not an idea - the reality of Him is staggering, breath-taking, life-changing. We took a chance - got outside of the box of "normal" and never regretted a second of it.

Know that I am free-range now! Tethered to nothing but love, dancing with Anna Larkin, Donald Morgan, and Jesus.

Worry is like being in a rocking chair...

2006-03-16T04:30:00.000Z

You have something to do, but you aren’t getting anywhere. (Gary Osbourne)

Worry keeps us from healing. Worry keeps us from moving forward. Worry keeps us stuck.

Fighting cancer is a time to produce endorphins. Fighting cancer is a time to embrace life. Fighting cancer is a time to be held by your family and friends, to let them in, to laugh, to smell flowers, to dream, to trust, to seek God, and to let him cover us in his presence. If you don’t know how, ask Him now, ask him, “show yourself to me”. Ask him, “show me you are real”. And then watch for it. That is an invitation that God can’t resist. He is fighting alongside you, and has been. He knows the end of the story, it’s a good one.

IMPORTANT!!

2006-03-15T03:00:00.000Z

2 important things to remember…

Cancer is a Temporary Condition of the Universe.

HOPE is eternal and powerful.

NO FEAR TODAY!! Get rid of 'Cancer Face'!

2006-03-14T02:00:00.000Z

My husband likes to tell people, “Don’t come at me with ‘cancer face’.” ‘Cancer face’ is that long sad face, like the face on the puppy dog canisters begging for money for an animal shelter. Having cancer face is when your mouth says, “How is she?” but your face and your eyes say, “You poor, poor thing. She’s dying, isn’t she.”

Our family avoids both this attitude and the people who carry it. Fear is not our friend. Fear lies. Fear does not tell the truth. Fear does not promote healing. Fear on people’s faces says, “You don’t have long. Maybe you want to pack it in now.”

Peace, Joy, and the expectation of Life lift everybody, the patient and the family. And when we are lifted, hope rises up inside of us, and hope calls healing to us. Hope relieves our pain, hope gives us something to look forward to, hope fills our day with possibilities. A little bit of hope makes all the difference.

You wouldn’t want to steal possibilities from a person fighting cancer, would you? Banish ‘cancer face’ from your expressions. Don’t let it in. Treat it like the thief that it is. You can let someone know that you love them with a hug and a smile.

Waking Up......

2006-02-02T02:14:00.000Z

In the midst of celebrating WAKING UP, as a grand and exciting event, my friend, Suzanne, reminds me that if I do not wake up here, I’ll wake up in Heaven, and that can’t be bad. “We can’t mourn that,” she says... INDEED!! What a good reminder!!

I have seen into Heaven – I have heard it – I have stood at the edge, already. I have never seen or heard anything that made me want to avoid it! I have always returned here because it wasn’t the right time. The last time, in fact, that I stood there, Jesus told me “There is NO hurry....”

OK, then....

There is still more life here, for me! After which, I WILL be dancing in Heaven – I’ll be dancing with Julia Law, with Anna Larkin and with Donald Morgan, who will teach me how to tap dance!!

I will not be sorry to be there – I will not be feeling that I “missed” anything – I will join the great cloud of witnesses – I will be praying for YOU. Let me take a moment to think about the “eternal perspective.” People get lost in believing that they will “miss” their children’s lives and accomplishments, the graduations and weddings and births. The truth is eternity with Jesus allows us His perspective on events. We will see those events, from Heaven! And, understand them, all the more --- without fear, doubt, confusion, hopelessness.... WOW!!! What a joy!

I will be exploring the Lord’s paradise! I will be completely absorbed in wonder and amazement!!

WHEN that happens, please don’t cry! Please shoot off fireworks and shout towards the sky! Please celebrate that I have entered ETERNITY – which is exactly where I’ll be when you come, too! I will ask to be on the Greeting Committee, at the Gate!

My Own Bed.......The Thrill is NOT gone!

2006-01-30T02:12:00.000Z

Last month, I was in an Emergency Room being told by three neurologists that I needed emergency brain surgery. I listened to their consensus and then asked, “Are you sure that I can’t go home and get into my own bed? I would really like that...”

Their response was “Here’s the problem. If you go home and get into your own bed.....chances are GREAT that you will never wake up....”

I remember saying, “Thank you for clarifying!”

The emergency brain surgery was the next day. My family and friends were on-hand. It was an amazingly weird experience – brain surgery AND the Neuro-ICU ward. In the end, I got to go home two days after surgery.

My continuing story is this --- I have now slept in my own bed 21 nights, and I have awakened 21+ times!! I celebrate EACH and EVERY time that I wake up!! Who knew what a wonder that is!?! I am so excited, to wake up!! The thrill is not wearing off...

The other morning, I awoke knowing that I needed the toilet. This is BIG! It means that the internal messages are being sent, AND being received. I celebrated the trip to the toilet! On the way back, I was returning to my own bed, in my own room, in my own house.....and upon making it to the bed, I reached over and felt my husband – ALSO STILL ALIVE!!

That topped it --- I spent 2 hours completely absorbed in JOY and GRATITUDE!!! Thank You, Thank You, God!!!! I had a great party, celebrating!! WHAT a way to start a day!!

I am hoping never to lose that wonder! Life is made up of things we no longer recognize as being wonderful --- I don’t want to let any of it go by! I don’t want to miss any of it! We are surrounded by wonders, and they are worthy of looking for, recognizing and celebrating!!

Prayer Letters From Dennis

2006-01-17T22:02:00.000Z

Dennis sends out prayer letters about once a week which were posted on this blog. We have now moved them to their own blog, which is called Living with Hope and Cancer Prayer Letters . Please pop over for new updates on the Fight!
As always, with HOPE!
Autumn Kreson

A good victory!

2006-01-12T23:19:00.000Z

Dear partners in battle and celebration:
Melanie is doing absolutely fantastic after her surgery yesterday. The procedure took a little over three hours, and the surgeons were able to do all of the things they were hoping to do. The Third Ventriculostomy went well, and they were able to get the biopsy that was needed. At the end, the tumor started bleeding from the biopsy but they irrigated and irrigated and waited and it did stop. To ensure everything had been successful, they did left a drain in Melanie’s head to gauge the spinal fluid being produced and watch for bleeding or anything like that. The drain was removed this morning after the doctor showed them that the level of spinal fluid was normal and flowing properly. YEA GOD! Melanie is spending all of today resting and healing, and we are told she will be released tomorrow morning.
The family spent most of the day waiting in the ICU waiting room rather than the surgery waiting room as it was more private. Waiting in a hospital can be weary and horrible, but we had a good day all together, staying FULL of HOPE. I admit that I was at peace all day, but at the very end, as the surgeon came out to talk to Dennis I thought, "Oh. Man. My mom just had BRAIN SURGERY." And my mind started racing with all of the text book things I know about your brain and how things could go wrong. Then Dennis came around the corner and put his fist in the air and said, "YESSS!" Here is what I know...MY GOD IS BIGGER! Bigger than brain surgery and bigger than fear, and certainly bigger than fear about a brain surgery. As we also say around here, "To HELL with Fear." I mean this in a most literal sense. To HELL...with FEAR. Fear comes from hell, and I want no part of it.
After the surgery, Melanie was in the recovery room for a little while. She had some nausea and a little vomiting, so the nurses wanted to make sure that she was cleaned up and feeling better before they let us in. When we did get to see her, you would not believe how stinking hilarious she was. The first thing she wanted was for us all to sing, "How great is our God" over her. She was speaking in half sentences, but making jokes. I asked her this morning if she remembered it and she doesn’t remember a thing, which to me is all the more funny.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for standing with us in HOPE and HEALING yesterday. We could all feel the power of your prayers. Everything about yesterday was covered in peace, and as Melanie went into surgery she was saying, "I am looking forward to feeling better tomorrow. I can’t wait until my headache is gone." Years ago, people used to ask me, "What makes you so special? How come you get to see angels and I don’t?" I would tell these people that there wasn’t anything special about me. I was just a girl. God wanted me to have a gift to help me in my life, and I chose to accept it. And I chose to tell other people about it, hoping that I could help them, too. So, what makes this family different? How can we find hope and even laughter in the middle of cancer and brain surgery? Listen, I am just a girl. Dennis and Melanie are just a husband and wife. Monica and Tegan and Jake...we are all people. We are in the middle of a tough situation and I can hear God asking, "Where are you going to land? How are you going to deal with this? How are you going to reflect Me to the world through this?" Hope is what we have. I want Melanie to meet my children and watch them grow. So I do not embrace death or fear or hopelessness. These things are from hell. All I have is hope.
Filled with hope for tomorrow and the next day,
Autumn Kreson

An update and request for prayer from Autumn.

2006-01-10T23:17:00.000Z

This is Autumn, Melanie’s daughter, and I write to you tonight to give you an update on everything that happened today and also to ask for your prayers. We need them now, for sure.
For a couple of weeks, Melanie has experienced some double vision, minor headaches accompanied by nausea, and a constant sound as if someone on a riding mower is circling her. Yesterday and this morning, she experienced severe headaches with much nausea, including vomiting. She was in bed all of yesterday as far as I know. This morning she was feeling better, but as the morning went on, she was hit with another severe headache that had her moaning. Melanie called the office of her neuro-surgeon to report her symptoms. She called again when the headache was at its worst. The office called me back a few minutes later to see if she was any better, and when I told them my report, they said that a nurse or the surgeon was going to be calling us back. The surgeon did call back and I talked to him, answering all of his questions, at which point he asked me to take her to the emergency room down in Indianapolis (an hour away) so that he could check on her. I did take her down to Indianapolis, where she saw several very nice doctors.
So, here is what we know. Melanie has Hydrocephalus, which means that there is pressure in her head from spinal fluid that is having a hard time circulating due to the positing of the tumor in her brain. The team of neuro surgeons have decided to do what I believe is called a Third Ventriculostomy. This procedure will entail putting a small hole in the third ventricle in her brain to allow another way for the spinal fluid that is produced there to move to the outer part of the brain and then down into the spinal column. While they are in there, the surgeons are hoping to be able to do a biopsy of the tumor. The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning late morning, early afternoon. However, because she is an add on to the schedule, it is possible it could be as early as 9 a.m. As of right now, Melanie has been checked into the ICU for the night, and will remain in hospital until Friday at the least.
I know this letter seems very serious, and the doctors looked very serious, however they were very glad to have her checked into the hospital while she is still doing well. Melanie is tired, still has a headache, is headed toward brain surgery, but otherwise well and thinking about everyone on this list, and how desperately she needs to feel all of your prayers tomorrow as she heads into surgery.
As we tell each other every single day, "Fear, go away." Fear not, friends, for this will end well one way or another. We are not afraid but filled with hope. Hope for healing and hope for easy surgeries and hope for speedy recoveries and hope for all of the people we will meet on this strange journey who have none for themselves. Send your hope and your faith and your prayers of passion to Indiana right now. We need them, and thank you for them.
Full of HOPE,
Autumn Kreson

I'm still here!

2005-12-14T19:40:00.000Z

Some of the letters and cards I get are filled with hope and expectation. Those lift me and carry me, a raft over choppy waters. Others are writing, honestly, that they are feeling despair and fear for me. Those I feel that I have to answer – the writers are living with more dread than I am, and they think they are feeling that dread for me.

I have such a vivid memory of an evening, eight years ago. I was in my first cancer battle. My family was enjoying a fun evening, eating ice cream and watching TV. At a commercial break, one of my daughters wandered into the office and announced, “We’ve got an email.” We all ran there, happy, expectant, to see the first sentence, “Dear Morgan-Dohners, We know that you are experiencing the “dark night of the soul...” That calmed us down, instantly, and we started to feel foolish – should we be suffering, instead of eating ice cream? Did we just not get it? Were we not being as spiritual as we should be?

You see, we had begun to fight fear almost as soon as we began to fight cancer. Posted on our door was a sign that said, “Park your fear. Enter with HOPE.” We had found that we did not have to go to a super spiritual place to meet with God – we found that He would meet with us, anywhere we invited Him. Where was the dark night? Not there, not then...

What an amazing and wondrous God we have! He doesn’t give up on us, doesn’t get disillusioned with us, knows us completely and loves us completely. He is not surprised, shocked or dismayed that I have cancer. He was not caught off-guard. His plan for me stands, and He stands with me. He is my constant companion, and my greatest friend.

And, He’s easy to find, too. Call out, and He is there. Can’t hear Him, can’t find Him? Get quiet and still, and listen. He can’t resist an invitation. He won’t ignore a plea. He is beyond any problem and above any circumstance. He wants to reveal Himself, and He wants us to know Him. “Show me that you are real” is a real show-stopper prayer.

Every day, we gave Him my body and my problems, and every day we gave Him our upset and our worries. Every day He gave us peace – what an exchange! So, that is what we are doing this time, too. This time, we are much further ahead on the learning curve. We knew what to do the first instant the word “cancer” was spoken – give it to the One who holds all answers.

Sing to Him and dance with joy – that’s the only reasonable response to any day. “I am here!” I want to shout. “I am still here! THANK YOU, GOD!” “Still here” means that there are things ahead. There is another day. There are more moments in which to learn, to hear, to thrive...to dance! YEA, GOD!

Asking for MORE

2005-12-12T02:38:00.000Z

The scans show that I have a cancerous mass in my chest, under my sternum. I also have cancer in the sternum, and cancer that has invaded the lymph nodes of my neck, right side. A scan of my neck accidentally angled upwards and found a tumor in my brain. “By happenstance...” the medical person said. I don’t believe that – I believe that God wanted it revealed. We have often prayed that He would reveal hidden things, and He’s done it, over and over.

Looking at the scans and conferring, none of the doctors think it is cancer. That’s good news, and worthy of celebration, which we had. Seriously....that’s good news!

It is still a problem and must be considered. The neurosurgeon’s exam leads him to say that is not, yet, creating a problem with my quality of life and the risk of anything he would do messing with that is not worth it. He prefers that I have another brain scan in 6 weeks, for comparison, to show him at what rate it is growing.

That means I have 6 weeks to pray that tumor down, and out! That is REALLY good news!

6 weeks to spend, seeking God! 6 weeks to focus on prayer – hopeful, grateful prayer! Life should have more of these opportunities! I’m sorry that I didn’t stop for 6 weeks, without a brain tumor, to concentrate on connecting with the One who created me and knows all. It is such an experience – to know that my life is in His hands, entirely – and to talk to Him about it.

(My life has actually always been in His hands, entirely.....yours is, too. We lose track of that, sometime soon after birth...).

He is reassuring, and good, faithful and true. When He speaks, I have no fear. I have peace. His promises are true. Dennis and I have been preaching, for a long time, that our hope is not in staying alive forever – our hope is in eternity with Jesus. That remains true for me, regardless of circumstance. I find, however, that as happily as I look forward to eternity, I am not ready just yet! I have some more to do.

I am asking for MORE! More years, more work, more time, more life. I find that just the exercise of asking for it, joyfully, gets me in touch with the wonders of today! I don’t have to miss today, in busyness. Today has surprises and spontaneous outbursts – it has family and friends and strangers and God – equal parts mystery and fun.

Anything might happen! I might know how to deal with it, and I might not. Either way, I will be holding onto His hand – and that’s a really safe and good place to be.

As if I am going to live...

2005-12-09T00:33:00.000Z

Lots of people don’t know what to say to me. That’s ok. I remember being at a loss for words, wondering what to say to someone who has cancer. It’s easier to know, from this side, from inside the body that is fighting.

Can I help you?

I chose my oncologist because of something she said in our first meeting. “I am going to treat you as if you are going to live. Everything I do will be based on the belief that you are going to live...until you tell me you’ve had enough – and then, we will call in your family and begin to celebrate your life.” That is a win-win proposition. There is no loss in there – no misstep.

That is how I would like people to respond to me – as if I am going to live. I believe that I am going to live, and therefore, real life is still interesting to me. What is going on in your life is still interesting to me .

In order to still be here, I have to fight cancer, and a brain tumor. Fighting is now my job – full time. My weapons are prayer, meditation, rest, medication, nutrition, family and friends and faith. That is my main focus. There are days when that is all I can handle, and I have nothing left with which to reach out. But, other days, I am here, feeling well and hoping to be a part of the world that I love.

My family and I live in hope. We learned to trust God, and to expect the unexpected, and we believe in healing miracles. We’ve seen lots and lots of them, all around us. Why wouldn’t we expect one, now? Following what we learned through my last cancer battle (which, honestly, we thought would be the last one....) we step forward, each day, following a battle plan that consists of an indivisible approach of praying through each medical step.

Our greatest enemy is fear, not cancer. Cancer is so limited. It can attack my body. Fear, however, can attack my mind, heart and spirit. It can twist my thinking in any direction it desires – it can block my hearing and pervert all news, good or bad – it can keep me from hearing God. It is what keeps people from knowing what to say to me.

This is not a nightmare. It is my life. The choice I have – every day – is whether I will appreciate and enjoy it. There are wonders that surround us. I choose to look for them, and thrill at them. I choose to enjoy each moment I have with my family and friends, and this amazing thing called “life.” What would be the point of being miserable about its brevity, if I am not appreciating it, now?

12-3-05

2005-12-03T02:52:00.000Z

I’m trying to start this journal, and I don’t know how.

Starting something is the hardest part for me – don’t know why. I didn’t get to choose when I would start fighting cancer – it was started without my consent. Or, maybe, I walked through all the Drs offices, and scans, etc...and still chose when I would start fighting, instead of reacting....

So much information came at me --- medical opinions, nutritional imperatives, medication options, differences between scans (and in the end, I had them ALL), starving cancer of sugar, vs. creating an alkaline (not acidic) state, vs. a 25 hours clearing of a treatment for calcium receptivity (red meat and rice) --- did you notice they all conflict? Don’t forget the raw food diet....all fruits and veggies, but the fruits turn out to be high in sugar, and maybe not all alkaline.....

At some point, my prayers became focused --- got to kill the cancer. That one is unequivocal. No confusion. No contradictions. Nothing about cancer, or a brain tumor, is ok. I don’t have to weigh anything in the balance, or research anything. The cancer has to go. Good beginning. THAT’S when I started fighting.

This is not a nightmare – this is real life. Mine anyway.

A general swelling at the base of my neck coincided with me starting to exercise in a gym. Thought I’d pulled a muscle, and as it did go away, that seemed reasonable. But, it came back – a few times. Came and went.

Cancer is not a new thing, but I have to admit, I really did not think I’d be dealing with it again. Eight years past a mastectomy, chemo and radiation – then 5 years of Tamoxifen – I really thought I’d “done the deal”. My oncologist told me that the danger zone for recurrence was between 5 and 15 years beyond the first cancer, and I thought, “well, I’m half-way out of that zone...”

Now, she talks about “getting you back into remission....” and that has a good sound to it. She is managing the medical approach to this, and I am managing the spiritual approach to this – we are working together, for the same cause, and she values our part as we value hers.

So far, everything about her approach involves a new experience, and a new learning curve. For some around me, it is too conservative. For others, too aggressive. In the midst of the swirling opinions, I find a place to stand, holding onto God.

I will follow her approach as much as I can. I will monitor my nutritional choices, looking to starve the cancer and build my body. I will pursue alternative health treatments that aid in my cause, or building body and starving cancer. How they all come together, only God knows....but I trust HIM. I trust what He has said, and who He has sent me to.

The CAT scan showed a mass in my chest, under my sternum, cancer in the sternum, another mass within the lymph nodes at the base of my neck, right side, and the presence of a brain tumor. The parameters of the scan were “neck, chest, abdomen, pelvis,” but the camera caught a different angle and the computer interpreted what it saw...and there was a brain tumor. “By happenstance...” I was told. I think it was God.

The tumor is on the pineal gland, middle of my head, base of the brain – very difficult to get to. While the functions of the gland remain much of a mystery, it is known that it controls circadian cycles, like sleep and wakefulness (or hibernation). The shape and location of the tumor cause all the doctors involved to believe that it is not metastasized breast cancer. The first opinions offered to my oncologist, by phone, are that destroying it with a Gamma Knife (laser) would be better than trying to go in to biopsy it – zip, zap, get it done and over with. Sounds good, except that the actual neurosurgeon, the wielder of the Gamma Knife, says “No”. Nothing can happen without a biopsy – needle through the brain – nothing is without risk, and there is no reason to take this risk until we know more. Return for brain scan in 6 weeks so a comparison can be made. Nobody known how long this thing has been there, or what speed it grows at. More growth and it will become dangerous, creating pressure in the brain and interfering with certain functions – then, it has to be done, but right now, it does not.

This gives me 6 weeks to pray it down, and away. I’m not kidding. I really believe this. I have seen way too many miracles to doubt that it can happen.

In fact, we walk through this, my family and I, holding onto hope and faith and trust. We do trust the One who is in charge, ultimately. There have been tears of shock and surprise, huge all around. We know better than to isolate with our thoughts, or to hide them from each other. We are living – LIVING – with cancer just on the surface, still laughing because we think “brain tumor” is so over-the-top that no one would believe it. (In fact, Monica’s lecturer did not, and required a letter from the doctor to excuse her absence for having taken me to a surgery. Maybe, this close to the end of the term, everybody’s claiming their mom has a brain tumor...)

Monica’s mom does. And cancer, too. Everybody has more room in their mind for cancer – as long as it’s somebody else who has it.

New Beginnings

2005-12-02T14:21:00.000Z

Melanie, you had the vision for this. I look forward to a strong ense of Hope through this Blog and look forward to reading the entries.

LIVING with HOPE AND CANCER

Bringing It Home...

Temperature Control

PEACE

BLINDED

Do You Remember?

Truth and Lies

I WAIT

In HIS hands!

TROUBLES

Another God-appointed trip to Blandford!

THE GAMMA KNIFE DAY = NEW CHALLENGE

THE DAY BEFORE...

MANY MANY APOLOGIES!!

In HIS hands!

WAITING FOR THE GAMMA KNIFE

What IS a "Good Report" ?

Just Can't Wait to Get on the Road Again...

Memory? What Memory?

The GAMMA KNIFE Day

Hats Are Heavy -- I Am NOT MY HAIR

This Could Be My Last Chance...

Are You Listening To Yourself?

There Is Purpose In the Process

*WHY*

Addendum to "If That Was the Last Time You Saw Me......"

LIFE IS GOOD

The Big Sound...

If That Was the Last Time You Saw Me...

Worry is like being in a rocking chair...

IMPORTANT!!

NO FEAR TODAY!! Get rid of 'Cancer Face'!

Waking Up......

My Own Bed.......The Thrill is NOT gone!

Prayer Letters From Dennis

A good victory!

An update and request for prayer from Autumn.

I'm still here!

Asking for MORE

As if I am going to live...

12-3-05

New Beginnings

WHY